Happy 3rd Birthday Katelyn!

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet Katelyn!  We love you!

three years

Three years ago today I was in labor.  All day.  Katelyn wasn't born until after midnight, so her birthday is tomorrow, but I remember being in labor all day, the 28th.  It's amazing what having a child can do to you, becoming a parent.  I don't need to get into how thankful I am for Katelyn, and just how much I love her, I know that she knows. 

What I am thinking about on this birthday is how innocent I was, assuming that I made it that far, I would be going home with baby in hand.  I was Group B Strep positive with Katelyn.  When I went into labor the Dr gave me an IV antibiotic to prevent her from getting GBS during delivery.  That was that, I didn't think about it again.  

Goodness, was I naive!!! 

I had no idea just how dangerous and scary GBS can be.  I had no idea that it would take the life of my next child.   I had no idea.  I had no idea.

Have I lost my mind?

For Christmas Katelyn, Adam and I left a glass Christmas tree at Andrews niche.  Katelyn helped us decorate it with some ribbon and on Christmas eve we lit an led candle inside, leaving it with a soft glow.  On Christmas eve I took some pictures on my dads camera for my family.  When looking through the pictures, I was stuck on one.  I sent out an e-mail to my family, "does anyone else see a baby's face in the tree".  What do you think...under the green "Christmas" on the ribbon?   Have I lost my mind?  (when I took these pictures, Katelyn and Adam had already walked off.  There was no one around me)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Andrew.  I'm sure you celebrating with Granddad Murphy and Granddad Becker and all of your little angel friends.  We love you.

the hug

Last night I was laying with Katelyn, who was sound asleep.  I love watching her sleep.  Many times I hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and just watch her sleep.  One time recently she rolled over, gave me a "what the heck are you doing waking me up" look, handed me a good slap across the face, and rolled back over to sleep.  I can't blame her, I hate being woken up. 

But last time, while she was sound asleep, she rolled over, put her forehead against mine, threw her arm over me in a hug, and smiled.  She then rolled back over.  It was the first time I wondered if it was a hug from Andrew.  Maybe he was using Katelyn in some way to give me that much needed hug.

chicken drawing

Two steps forward, one step back.  That seems to be me these days.  The Holidays are more upsetting than I expected.  Thanksgiving didn't have the usual feeling...the cozy, warmth in the heart, everything is good kind of feeling.  It just wasn't there for me this year.  And what to be thankful for?  Well, 2009 has not been our year for many reasons.  I'd say I'm most thankful that it's almost a new year. 

We went to St Marks and left Katelyn's Turkey-hand drawing.  A couple days later it was really windy and I was commenting about things blowing around.  She said "uh oh, my chicken drawing blow away!"  She can always put a smile on my face. 

It didn't blow away.  I brought it back home with us just the other day.

included in the Holidays

I would love to hear ways that other mothers are including thier "Heavenly Babies" in the Holidays.  I want to do something to include Andrew.  I have some ideas, but haven't planned anything out.  Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Things you already do?  Please help me with some ideas.

Thanks, Kerry  msm2jmu@aol.com

beautiful CD

I bought a new CD recently, something I rarely do.  It's a Christian CD, again something I rarely do.  But it's beautiful. 

"Beauty will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  "This entire album is written in response to losing his daughter in that tragic accident on May 21st 2008."  Steven lost his young daughter and he wrote these songs during his journey of grief.

Here are some lyrics to one of the songs "Heaven is the Face"

Heaven is the face of a little girl

With dark brown eyes

That disappear when she smiles

Heaven is the place

Where she calls my name

Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

It's not my usual type of music, but I love these songs.  If you listen to any of them, I would recommend having some tissues nearby.

the day i met my son

I love this picture.  I love that I am smiling in awe of the beauty of my son.  It helps me remember that through all of the heartache, July 2, 2009 is also the day I met my son.  The day that I held him, kissed him, rocked him, and was simply with him. 

surface

Some days are just hard.  I love reading blogs of other mothers who understand.  Understand that there is no getting over such an experience.  I often wonder if others, who have not experienced this pain, wonder when I will be able to move on.  Stop dwelling on what happened and refocus.  I don't know when that time will come, but it sure hasn't come yet.   The other night as I layed in bed one small tear rolled down my cheek.  I didn't even know it was there, right on the surface.  I feel like that's my life these days.  At any minute I could let the tears flow.  They are so close to the surface.  But I try not to during the day.  I try to stay busy.  Until I go to bed.  That's when I lay and think about Andrew the most.  I think about Andrew and how how different my life should be these days.  I really really miss my little guy.

random thought

I wonder if people would think of my situation differently if Andrew had lived or a minute, an hour, or a day. Where is that line that makes a different…between losing your baby before birth or shortly after birth? To me, it doesn’t exist. To others, I’m sure it does and I’m curious where. I was reading about a mother whose son lived for 3 minutes. That included a heartbeat and breathing. Yet her son is considered a stillborn by her State. In other words, her son was not issued a birth certificate. I suppose if your child lives for a few minutes, then you don’t experience the scary silence in the room and go through the experience…of which there are no words to describe…of delivering your baby who has already passed away. The limp body, the mouth open, the red lips, and more than anything, the silence. But if your baby does live, you may experience such an extreme opposite. Franticness, nurses, Drs, machines, wires. Such different arrivals, yet in the end, we all go home without our babies. When I read blogs written by other mothers, I realize the emotional journey is so similar. Yet I wonder if people on the outside look at the situations very differently.

Just some random thoughts.

my prayer

I thought I'd share my prayer.  As much as I have been questioning all of my beliefs, I never stopped praying.  Katelyn and I say our prayers (almost) every night.  I asked her what she's thankful for that day and it's always something different.  Sometimes mommy and daddy.  Sometimes random cousins, an aunt, an uncle, a pretty day, and recently her Dora phone.  We always ask God to watch over Andrew and make sure he's happy and safe. 

I also have a special prayer that I don't say with Katelyn.  I found something similiar online after loosing Andrew.

"God, I always thought I would hold my son on my lap and tell him about you.  Now I'm asking if you will hold him on your lap and tell him about me"

July

Some days I'm sad because I'm trying to learn how to keep Andrew a part of our lives.  I focus on how to include him and how to be his mother with him in Heaven and me here. 

And other days, like today, I am sad because I think about those first few days in July.  I look at pictures from the hospital and remember so many of the emotions.  I think I was mainly numb.  Shocked.  Still trying to process everything going on.  I look at the pictures from my dads camera.  They aren't the edited ones from NILMDTS that are so beautiful and soft.  They more like the raw, unedited version of a film.  But they're good for me to look at, to remember what it was really like.

container store

I think I may have found something.  I've been looking or a container, something small, clear, and with a lid, that we could leave at Andrews spot.  Something that we could put things in that we want to keep dry from the rain.  It's okay if something gets wet, but a lid to at least hold most of the rain away.  I've looked at Michaels and online and couldn't seem to find the right container.  Then, it came to me.  So simple.  The little clear containers at the Container Store.  I plan on heading there and trying out a few different sizes.  One that could fit a little race car would be great.

I share this for mothers out there who might be in the same situation.  I'll let you know how it works out.

the shell

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him.  I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs.  People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard.  I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart. 

Until recently. 

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place.  Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her.  There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later.  It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape. 

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell!  As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box.  As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up.  Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car.  I took a moment to myself.  Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays.  It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew.  And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew.  That's where I was pregnant.  By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it.  The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door.  I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace.  I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are. 

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one.  I believe it in my heart.

I went to Church!

I went to mass last night. I really couldn't decide what to do, my faith has been challenged and I didn't know what this "Mass for all Souls" would be all about. My granddad Becker passed away this past year also, so my dad and grandmother were already planning on going to St Marks. I was out with Adam and right around 7:30 decided that I should really go. Mass started at 7:30, so I got there right in time for the end of the homily. I used the ‘better late than never’ card.

I am really glad I went. The mass was beautiful. I snuck in and sat next to my Grandmother, who was probably wondering why I was showing up for mass half way through. After the homily was the most beautiful part of the night. St Marks had set candles up at the front of the alter. Two readers then read off the names of each parishioner who passed away within the past year. As each name was read, a candle was lit. Both names, Clarence Becker and Andrew Becker Lederman were read. I am so glad something pulled at my heart and got me to go. The most emotional part was at the end, when all of the candles were lit and the choir sang “On Eagles Wings” and some other song that I can’t remember right now but was really beautiful.  Afterwards the families were able to take a candle. My dad and I went up and he got one for his father and I got one for my son. I was then able to go right out back and leave the candle at Andrews’ special place.

I felt a sense of piece and comfort. It was the first time that I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step towards renewing my faith, my faith that I have thought about more in the past 4 months than any other time in my life. This is a very emotionally draining journey…

Feast of All Souls Day

Today is The Feast of All Souls Day in the Catholic Church.  Masses are said for all those who have departed us.  Andrew will be included in the Mass at Mount Saint Mary's thanks to Auntie Ann.  Andrew will also be included at the Mass at St. Marks where they will say a special prayer for all those who passed away within the past year. 

I'm still working on my faith during this time.  I still don't understand why Adam and I have to go through such heartache.  I've heard all of the answers...God didn't choice for this to happen and such.  But deep down, I still just don't understand.

halloween

Last night we drove out to Aunt K's so Katelyn could go trick-or-treating with her cousins.  On the way there I thought about leaving some candy at Andrews special place.  But then I thought about how he wouldn't be eating candy now anyway, so maybe we could leave something else, but I wasn't sure what.  I asked Adam and he just drove quietly for a bit.  I asked him what he was thinking, fearing he was thinking I was crazy for even wondering what to leave Andrew for Halloween.  When I asked, he looked at me and said "do they make little football costumes"?  He said he was thinking how it would have been fun to dress Andrew as a football and he (Adam) could be a football player, and he would walk around holding Andrew all night.  He then said Katelyn and I could be cheerleaders.  It was definitely a cute thought.  One that left us in reflective silence the rest of the drive there.

miller lite please

Life seemed different then. I could really use a night of dressing up and going out with friends with not a care in the world except what kind of beer to drink. I think I'd keep it simple with a good ol' Miller Lite.

missing my little guy

I may look the same on the outside, but my heart has been broken. I will live the rest of my life with a void, knowing something, someone is missing. A piece of my heart is empty and can only be filled when I hold Andrew again.  Somedays are easier than others, but not a single day goes by without thinking of my little guy.  I miss you Andrew and simply wish you were here.

the flood

Tomorrow at 12:15 we will officially be selling our first home.  In doing so, I took some time to look through some old pictures.  Last summer (as in 2008) went away for 3 days.  While we were gone a pipe burst in the upstairs bathroom and water flowed through the house.  The entire middle floor of our house was ruined, and as I walked into the basement, I saw part of the ceiling on the floor.  Every piece of carpet was replaced in the house, many walls were torn down and rebuilt, and the kitchen was torn down to the studs.  We grabbed some dry clothes, headed to the parents, and moved back home 3 months later.

The basement ceiling...

Starting the drying process on the middle floor...

All the carpet torn up and starting the drying process in the basement...

Our cozy family room during the rebuild...

This is the kitchen looking into the family room...connected by a kitchen counter and sink...

Kitchen wall drying out...

More of the kitchen...

New walls!...

All put back together...

As my dad would say, "just another bump bolder on the road of life"

new adventure

Movers are coming today.  I'd post pictures, but even though the camera is out, the usb cord is packed.   I'm nervous about the move.  This home holds many many memories.  Some good, some not so good, but all make me who I am today.  We brought Katelyn home to this home, and we grieved for Andrew in this home.   We fixed up a lot of rooms, had a flood, and then rebuilt again.  In this home Adam and I grew as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.  Thank you Eustis Street.  Today starts a new adventure...

packing packing packing

We are packing up our house this weekend.  All of it in one weekend.  That's not fun.  Katelyn spent the night at grandmom and granddads last night and will be heading to K's tonight.  She's called a few times and said "Hi mommy, I talk to daddy peas".  I say "do you want to talk to me?"  She says "I talk to daddy peas".  It's okay, I know she loves me.

We packed up Andrews room this morning.  It was the first room we did.  I had Adam come sit with me and we looked at each outfit that was hanging in the closet.  I took all of his special stuff and loaded it in a bin to take with me to my parents house.  I don't want to put it in storage, I need it all close to me.

I best get back to packing.  I came downstairs to take a break and watch some of the Purdue game.  Go Boilers!  Apparently I'm not the only one in the house wanting to take a break and watch Purdue.  There's an empty bowl of popcorn and an empty glass where Adam was sitting. 

the patio

It's hitting me rather quickly and with force that we are moving.  These emotions came out of no where.  Well, I am rather emotionally unstable these days, but I thought I'd be fine with the move.  More than any room in our house, I am going to miss the patio out back.  My dad and I fixed up our backyard a couple of years ago.  We did it together by hand.  It was a great bonding time, I enjoyed every minute of it...even when my dad wanted to start EARLY on Saturday mornings.  The whole patio project started because I knew I wanted to hang a swing for Katelyn.  If you know my dad, you know how that want for a swing turned into a full on project.  It was great, and I am really sad to be leaving it.  Really sad. 

football

Adam and I love football, we even met at a flag football coaches meeting.  In my opinion, the actual sport combined with the fall season make it the best time of the year.  I know Andrew would have grown to love football too.  I imagine him as a quarterback.  If he took after me, he'd be able to throw the ball.  Granted I can't throw a football that well, I used to throw a mean softball.  If he took after his dad, he'd be a solid blocker and a fast runner.  Adams paternal grandparents were both Olympic athletes, one for sprinting and the other for hurdles.  Adam's maternal uncle was recruited to play for the Jets.  Adam has solid athletic skills all around.  I know Andrew would too.

Anyway, all of these thoughts came about when I saw the "football" line at Gymboree on sale.  If Andrew were here, I would be dressing him in some of these clothes.  I guess that's how my mind works these days.

packing

This weekend we have to pack up Andrew's room.  I don't want to.  I don't want to put his stuff in a box knowing that it never needs to come back out of that box again.  I'm sure I'll unpack his stuff at our new place, but I know it will just be to make me feel better, not because it needs to be unpacked.

Oh yeah, and we need to pack up the rest of our house too.  Movers are coming on Monday.

something good

It’s interesting for me to read other mothers blogs about the need to become a better person. I’ve been feeling this need since I was in the hospital holding Andrew. I feel like I need to change, something good must come out of this. Something, anything.

I continue to go through a period of personal reflection. I am still changing and wonder where I will end up. Will I be more religious or less? More angry or less? More compassionate or less? Of course I hope for all changes for the better, put it’s like pushing against a brick wall. It’s hard. I am still trying to figure out who I am becoming.  I want to do everything I can to become a better person in honor of my son.

moving?

We think we're moving this weekend but we're not even sure yet!  MOVING.  We haven't bought a new place yet so we're heading to the parents house...again.  It's amazing how Andrew has put things in perspective.  It's easy to say that something like this will change you, but to actually feel it is amazing.  Yes, it's stressful, but it's different.  All I care about is that Adam, Katelyn and I are under the same roof.  It might not be our roof, but we'll be together.

katelyn and patrick

Here are some pictures taken on Sunday of Katelyn with her little cousin Patrick.  Patrick was born 3 weeks after Andrew.  Katelyn is still confused.  When I ask her who Andrew is, she continues to answer "Andrew is Patrick". 

They remind me of pictures of me holding Mike (Patricks dad) when we were little.  I'm sure you can imagine what else I think about when I see these pictures.

can't do anything

An old friend lost her baby boy last week.  He was full term and lived for about 24 hours.  The pain I feel for her is so strong and so real...it pulls at an emotion I never knew I had.  It breaks my heart knowing that someone else is going through this level of pain, anger, confusion, shock, and pure sadness.  And I know that there isn't anything anyone can do.  Because nobody can give her her baby boy back.

in the dark

I visited Andrew the other night.  I was alone.  It was dark out, breezy, and very fall like.  The kind of night where I have memories as a young kid playing outside with the neighbors.  I had a great childhood.  I grew up on a small court with lots of kids and we'd spend so many nights outside running around playing "ghost in the graveyard" (ironic, huh?)!  I grew up about a mile down the road from St. Marks. 

I couldn't help but think "when the heck did I grow up?"  Of all the memories I have in Vienna and at St Marks, to think that there I was, alone in the dark, visiting my son.  It was pretty wierd.

I love this picture, it looks like I didn't have a stress in the world!

our candle

This evening we lit our candle.

 

 Katelyn thought we were having a birthday party and wanted to blow the candle out.

We read some books about death and heaven. 

This one is my favorite.

Adam and I had an interesting conversation about heaven.

...then we watched The Office.

work in progress

I posted a few pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I love them all.  What do you think?  I am also working to make this blog and little less depressing to look at.  The post are depressing enough.  It's all a work in progress...the look, the posts, and me.

this little light of mine

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for all pregnancies and infant death which includes but not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is recognized in the United States and throughout Canada on October 15th of each year.

Participants begin lighting their candles at 7:00 pm and burn their candle for a period of at least one hour. The Result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who pass away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.

I'm at work right now, so a new post will be coming later today...I am planning on posting more pictures.

thanks for the reminder beechnut

I'm learning that there are a lot of things that I never thought about until after having a stillborn.  The first one was that a mothers milk still comes in.  Might be TMI for some of you readers, but now you know.  Another reality, all those e-mails you get from beechnut, pampers, huggies, etc, etc.  I must have put my information into some website, probably to check my due date when I first found out I was pregnant.  Now, my information seems to be in all of the baby e-mail databases.  I get frequent reminders of how old Andrew should be and what products I should be buying for him. 

"Your baby is now 11 weeks old"  Thanks for the reminder beechnut!

who's room?

Katelyn and I stopped to look at a house today.  You know, since we'll be without a home in a couple of weeks.  We walked into a boys room and Katelyn said "baby cousins room!"  I said "you mean a brothers room?"  I then asked her again, "Katelyn, who's Andrew?"  Her response, "Andrew is baby cousin Patrick".  I just gave her a kiss. 

new background?

Man, this blog is depressing!  I need some color.  Does anyone know where I can get a better background - one a little more cheery?  I'll find one in the next few days...when I have more time to play around with it.  Stay tuned.  Cheery background coming soon.

a working link

Here's another link to the song - one that I don't think you need a password for.  It has an intro by his daughter.
http://www.rhapsody.com/steven-curtis-chapman/speechless/with-hope/lyrics.html

with hope

"With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman.   Seriously, it's beautiful.

http://www.imeem.com/luvmytruck460/music/mCg59osF/steven-curtis-chapman-with-hope/

With Hope

This is not at all how

We thought it was supposed to be

We had so many plans for you

We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can take away the pain

The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no

And we can grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace)

There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known

Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more

The wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears

I see the Father's smile and say well done

And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be

Seeing all your dreams come true

'Cause now you're home

And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor

'Cause we believe that everything

God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope

And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

debbie downer

I've been joking with my sister, Maureen, lately that I should be called  Debbie Downer.  If you remember this skit from Saturday Night Live, you'd understand.  I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but to be honest, I'm kindof a 'glass half empty' kind of person right now.  Hopefully that will change.  Again, I think it is, just at a really slow pace.  I'm going to post a song in a bit...

the quote

Today I had a moving company over for a quote.  My house was a total mess.  I blamed it on getting ready to move and sorting through stuff.  That's totally not true.  It's a disaster in here, and would be if I were packing or not.  While in Katelyn's room, I said I have a 2 1/2 year old (who was at Aunt MK's house at the time) who likes to throw her clothes everywhere...that's why they were all out all over her room rather than in her drawers.  We then walked into Andrews room.  He said "oh, you have a son"?  I said yes and moved on. 

Here's proof that Katelyn likes to make a mess...

Here's proof that Katelyn likes to do her own hair...

moving

We're getting ready to move...in 2 weeks.  It's a long story.  We started this moving adventure in June, right before Andrew passed away.  We focused on selling our place.  Now we've sold it, lost out on five contracts and are getting ready to throw our stuff in storage and head to the parents house while we continue to house hunt.  The other day I texted my husband the simple statement "I need xanax".

We started packing today and I feel so anxious about having to pack up Andrews room.  We keep his door closed, but every night when I go to bed I check on Katelyn and then look in Andrews room.  Sometimes I sit in the rocker in his room holding his teddy bear and think about what should be.  I feel like when we move I'll be loosing that special place in our house that is just for him.  I don't want to have to pack up his stuff, I'm not ready.  I wonder if it would be wierd to unpack it at our new place...where and whenever that may be.

the story - part 1

I know on these blogs many people write thier stories.  What happened and when.  It's something I've actually been writing in a word document...it goes back to my fear of forgetting any details.

I've gotten a few e-mails asking what happened to Andrew so I wanted to share briefly what happened.  As I've mentioned a few times, I found comfort in reading others stories, but in particular stories like mine.  I wanted to learn about how others dealth with the same news I got.

Andrew died of Group B Strep Sepsis.  I wanted to know what happened, but no news comes without a mix of emotions.  The most difficult part of this news was knowing that Andrew was healthy.  He was healthy, growing at pace, and very active.  I remember sitting at work one day, pregnant, and shooting Adam an e-mail asking if it was too early to say that our son is hyper active.  The Dr's estimate is that Andrew got GBS about 7 days earlier, but once it turned into sepsis, he faded off within 24 hours. 

I'm no expert on Group B Strep, but it's pretty safe to say that I've read more about GBS than the average person (my husband would beg me to stop reading about it).  So, if you have any questions, shoot me an e-mail.  msm2jmu@yahoo.com

holy moly!

What is with this blog world?  I started reading blogs after Andrew, when I would do anything to connect with mothers who understood.  I started following a few, especially ones who lost thier babies right around when I did.  As I've started clicking from link to link, I am amazed at this world known as blogging.  It's unreal!  Some of them even talk about thier IRL friends not knowing about thier blog.  It took me some time, but realized that IRL mean "in real life".  This is quite an adventure...and a great way to procrastinate.  Seriously, I need to go get some other stuff done...

Here's a picture taken almost exactly a year ago.  This is Katelyn wandering down Adams parents driveway in Vermont.

as much as i do?

I got home last night and read this message that my oldest sister, Ann, wrote on my facebook wall.  "Ryan walked into my room scratching his head and said 'Mommy, I have a really important question. Do you think Katelyn misses Andrew as much as I do?'"

Ryan, 4 years old, is one of Andrews 10 cousins.  Ryan is the same one who, after finding out about Andrew, walked into my sisters room with a calender and asked if she could tell him when everyone will die so he'll know.  I'm always curious what they think of this experience, and how it might or might not affect them when they're older...and how this might affect Katelyn.  I just don't know.  If any of you out there have older children, or are a sibling, and experience on what their thoughts might be down the road, can you please let me know?

details

Why do I feel like I need to remember every detail about the days I had with Andrew? I suppose it's because that's all I have. I asked Adam recently if he remembered how everything was laid out in Andrews’s niche. We were visiting Andrew’s special place, I was imagining what was on the inside, and all of a sudden drew a blank on what was in one of the corners. I started to feel a sense of panic. Adam told me that he does remember, but it’s getting less clear. I went home that night and drew it out, with my awesome drawing skills of course. I have pictures of everything we included in the niche and now, I have my drawing of how it's all laid out too. I’ve read many other blogs and realize that this need to remember every detail seems normal. Normal or not, I fear forgetting anything about Andrew.

Here are a few things we put in the niche with Andrew. Katelyn picked the bear out months ago for her baby brother  (It's a smaller version of a bear that my mom had gotten for him).  Adam chose a football for various reasons. We also included some pictures and notes that Adam and I wrote to Andrew.

This picture was taken of Katelyn the same time I took the picture of Andrews’s gifts...I wanted to remember how young and innocent she was.  I love it when she puts her shoes on the wrong feet. It's one of my favorite things about childhood.

it's just different

Delivering a stillborn child is something that many people do not understand. I’ve been asked many times if it would be harder to loose him if I had gotten to spend a few days, months, or years with him.

My answer is always that you can’t compare. It hurts in a very different way. I miss what I never got to know. His eyes, his smile, his laugh, his personality. I am left to constantly wonder and wish. I never got to rock him to sleep, take him for a walk in the sun, tickle him and hear his laugh. If I had a choice, I would want to have a few hours, days, or months with him. But I didn’t. So to answer the question, I don’t think you can compare.  All I can answer is what I know.  And I know that this hurts.  I really miss my little guy.

strong?

People keep telling me how strong I am.  I tell them "I don't have a choice".  If I could lay on the couch all day, I would.  Two things that keep a smile on my face are these two smiles.