Sunday, November 8, 2009

the shell

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him.  I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs.  People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard.  I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart. 

Until recently. 

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place.  Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her.  There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later.  It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape. 

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell!  As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box.  As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up.  Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car.  I took a moment to myself.  Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays.  It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew.  And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew.  That's where I was pregnant.  By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it.  The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door.  I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace.  I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are. 

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one.  I believe it in my heart.

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