Why do I feel like I need to remember every detail about the days I had with Andrew? I suppose it's because that's all I have. I asked Adam recently if he remembered how everything was laid out in Andrews’s niche. We were visiting Andrew’s special place, I was imagining what was on the inside, and all of a sudden drew a blank on what was in one of the corners. I started to feel a sense of panic. Adam told me that he does remember, but it’s getting less clear. I went home that night and drew it out, with my awesome drawing skills of course. I have pictures of everything we included in the niche and now, I have my drawing of how it's all laid out too. I’ve read many other blogs and realize that this need to remember every detail seems normal. Normal or not, I fear forgetting anything about Andrew.
Here are a few things we put in the niche with Andrew. Katelyn picked the bear out months ago for her baby brother (It's a smaller version of a bear that my mom had gotten for him). Adam chose a football for various reasons. We also included some pictures and notes that Adam and I wrote to Andrew.
This picture was taken of Katelyn the same time I took the picture of Andrews’s gifts...I wanted to remember how young and innocent she was. I love it when she puts her shoes on the wrong feet. It's one of my favorite things about childhood.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
it's just different
Delivering a stillborn child is something that many people do not understand. I’ve been asked many times if it would be harder to loose him if I had gotten to spend a few days, months, or years with him.
My answer is always that you can’t compare. It hurts in a very different way. I miss what I never got to know. His eyes, his smile, his laugh, his personality. I am left to constantly wonder and wish. I never got to rock him to sleep, take him for a walk in the sun, tickle him and hear his laugh. If I had a choice, I would want to have a few hours, days, or months with him. But I didn’t. So to answer the question, I don’t think you can compare. All I can answer is what I know. And I know that this hurts. I really miss my little guy.
strong?
People keep telling me how strong I am. I tell them "I don't have a choice". If I could lay on the couch all day, I would. Two things that keep a smile on my face are these two smiles.
today
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