Thursday, October 8, 2009


Why do I feel like I need to remember every detail about the days I had with Andrew? I suppose it's because that's all I have. I asked Adam recently if he remembered how everything was laid out in Andrews’s niche. We were visiting Andrew’s special place, I was imagining what was on the inside, and all of a sudden drew a blank on what was in one of the corners. I started to feel a sense of panic. Adam told me that he does remember, but it’s getting less clear. I went home that night and drew it out, with my awesome drawing skills of course. I have pictures of everything we included in the niche and now, I have my drawing of how it's all laid out too. I’ve read many other blogs and realize that this need to remember every detail seems normal. Normal or not, I fear forgetting anything about Andrew.

Here are a few things we put in the niche with Andrew. Katelyn picked the bear out months ago for her baby brother  (It's a smaller version of a bear that my mom had gotten for him).  Adam chose a football for various reasons. We also included some pictures and notes that Adam and I wrote to Andrew.

This picture was taken of Katelyn the same time I took the picture of Andrews’s gifts...I wanted to remember how young and innocent she was.  I love it when she puts her shoes on the wrong feet. It's one of my favorite things about childhood.

it's just different

Delivering a stillborn child is something that many people do not understand. I’ve been asked many times if it would be harder to loose him if I had gotten to spend a few days, months, or years with him.

My answer is always that you can’t compare. It hurts in a very different way. I miss what I never got to know. His eyes, his smile, his laugh, his personality. I am left to constantly wonder and wish. I never got to rock him to sleep, take him for a walk in the sun, tickle him and hear his laugh. If I had a choice, I would want to have a few hours, days, or months with him. But I didn’t. So to answer the question, I don’t think you can compare.  All I can answer is what I know.  And I know that this hurts.  I really miss my little guy.


People keep telling me how strong I am.  I tell them "I don't have a choice".  If I could lay on the couch all day, I would.  Two things that keep a smile on my face are these two smiles.


I haven't been to St Marks to visit Andrews special place in a week now.  It's hard, it's all I can think about right now.  Visiting just makes me feel better.  Maybe one of these days I'll actually stop in the Church instead of walking right through.  An experience like this will certainly put your faith to the test.  I think I'm heading in the right direction, just at a really slow pace.

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