why the break?

I have taken a long time off from writing. I know exactly why. I don’t need to go to therapy to figure it out. I was scared of writing about Andrews 1 year anniversary. It was easier to not write about it than to process how I felt about it. It’s hard to put it in writing, but I know what I am thinking. That first year anniversary felt so significant. Like we had made it, and we will be alright. But by saying we’ll be alright, I feel like I am admitting I am at peace with everything. And as I’ve said before, I am not at peace with it. I want him here with us, in my arms. One of the things I keep thinking about is knowing that he was a healthy baby boy. That one infection changed everything. If we had known about it, a simple antibiotic could have saved an entire life.

So, I have decided to start writing again. This blog is my therapy, and I need it. I need a place to write about Andrew. To put my thoughts down. Out of my head and onto paper. It's for me.

It puts a smile on my face every time Katelyn randomly mentions Andrew. I want a place to write those stories, to remember them, so I can reread them and also share them with her when she is older. I’m sure none of this will make total sense to her until she holds her own baby in her arms. Then she will understand how much my heart broke that day in July, and how much she has done for me. How much it means to me when she talks about him, learns from him, and keeps him a part of our lives. I look forward to Joseph learning from Katelyn and Andrew as well.

So, I will write about Andrews first year anniversary. How we honored him. I will then use this blog as a place to write my stories as a mother. A mother with one baby, a piece of me, in heaven.

July 2, 2010

I was nervous about Andrews 1 year anniversary.  I wanted to honor him, do something perfect for him.  Many ideas came to mind, but in the end we kept it simple...and it was perfect.  As the time grew closer, I got out his memory box.  I reread all of the cards I recieved, and held a few pieces of clothes I packed away for him.  The hospital gave me a memory box with a hand and foot mold of his, as well as a little bag with some of his hair.  His hair.  It was perfect.  Something physical that I could touch.  I treasure that hair. 

July 2, 2010, was a Friday.  St Marks has a daily morning mass in the Chapel.  The mass was being said in Andrews name.  I invited my immediate family (which takes up half the chapel).  I also invited Nurse Carol, the nurse who helped deliver Andrew and Joseph.  A few of my dearest friends, Colleen, Laura, and Christine (Gill) were there as well. 

After the mass we all walked to the memorial garden behind the chapel.  Father Pat came and said a nice prayer.  There were so many times the past year when I thought about the first anniversary, and how, God given, I would be standing there with a healthy baby in my arms.  And I was.  My Joseph is my little miracle.  A true gift from God.

We then all wrote messages on balloons and released them.  We brought light blue and dark blue balloons for everyone to release, with cream color balloons from Adam, Katelyn, Joseph and I.  Adam also picked up burgendy and gold balloons to send to his little Redskins fan. 

Afterwards, we went back to my parents house for a lunch time BBQ.  I wanted to use the day to have the cousins play, sit on the back porch, and enjoy each others company.  I want to always use July 2 as a day where Adam and I set everything else aside and enjoy time with our family and each other.  The weather was perfect, and as the kids played, a white butterfly followed them around.  Adam and I seperately noticed this butterfly and talked about it later in the day. 

Once everyone left, we took a long nap.  That evening we headed to the beach.  I felt such a weight off of my shoulders.  I had done it.  I had made it through the first year.

adjusting well

I have to say that having Joseph has come with it's own set of emotions.  I am so absolutely in love with him.  I hate putting him down.  I could sit and look at his fingers, toes, little nose, and facial expressions all day long.  I look at him and the thought crosses my mind, what if something were to happen to him.  Then I think, last time something did happen.  Something happened to my other son and he died.  I feel all of the emotions a mother feels while holding her newborn, and its all that much more apparent to me what I have missed.  Having Joseph has brought more love into our lives, but has not taken away any of the pain of loosing Andrew. 

On a different note, Katelyn has adjusted well.  She loves her little brother and gets very concerned when he is fussy.

Joseph seems to be adjusting as well.  He slept through Katelyn's "parade" the other night, which consist of drums and singing the ABC's as loud as possible.

Joseph James is here!

I obviously haven't written in a couple of weeks.  Last week they pushed the date up and we went into the hospital on Thursday evening. 

Joseph James

Born Friday, June 4th, at 12:29 pm. 

7 lbs 3 ounces, 20 inches long. 

He's beautiful, and I find it difficult to put him down.  He is named after both of our maternal grandfathers.  It was a very emotional experience, I think much more than the typical delivery.  It was such a relief to put this stressful pregnancy behind us and finally hold Joseph in our arms.  As much as I tried to keep the deliveries seperate, it was natural to think of Andrew.  With both boys, I went in at 36 weeks and delivered at 36.1.  Andrew was actually longer at 21 inches, but weighed less at 6 lbs, 11 ounces (I think he lost weight at the end).  All 3 kids have the same mouth.  It's a lot to process.  The freshness of the new love for a newborn made us realize, again, how much we missed.  Then you throw in the hormones, and goodness, I'm still a bundle of a mess! 

More to come later, I have to get back to holding my baby.

35 week sonogram

Little guy.  35 week sonogram.  May 27, 2010

June 9th

It's been an interesting month.  The closer I get to delivery, the more I think about being back at Fair Oaks Hospital.  My Doctors have been great.  For the past few weeks I have been going in every Monday for a checkup and stress test.  Every Thursday I have been going for a biophysical sonogram. 

I have an induction date of Weds, June 9th.  I will be 1 day shy of 37 weeks.  I hope my sanity can last that long.  It's hard being at this point, this close to full term.  I just want him out. 

This past Weds I was put on bed rest until my next appt.  I got home from work, felt crummy, and ended up throwing up.  I called the Dr, who asked Adam and I meet him at the hospital.  It was pretty strange, being back on the L&D wing.  When we left, Adam showed me the room where I delievered Andrew.  That room was just 2 doors down from where we were on Weds.  The door was closed, which is fine for me.  I just hope to God it's not because someone else was in there.

31 weeks

So, I’ve been getting emails for an update. I appreciate the interest. I haven’t been writing much, basically because I am so drained. The Dr told me in the beginning that the last trimester would be the most difficult. She was certainly correct.

First off, Andrew is weighing very heavily on my mind these days. That not to say that he wasn’t before, but in previous months I seemed to be able to get through a day without tears. The tears are back and everything seems more fresh again. I think some of that is the weather. The nice weather reminds me of last summer. All of the mornings I spent at St Marks and afternoons spent at the park trying to keep Katelyn busy. I still ask the question “why” all of the time. I have yet to accept what happened. I am not at peace with it. I want him here.

I’m also having more and more panic attacks. Most are in the middle of the night. I wake up shaking, waiting for some movement from my newest little one. I lay there, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to calm down. Not to mention by thyroid numbers/graves disease numbers seem to be going down (meaning getting higher!? Why does this thyroid thing seem so confusing) each time I get tested.

On Monday I start my weekly visits. I’ll go every Monday for a checkup and then 20 minute monitoring of the baby. Right now, we’re looking at delivering the 2nd week of June.

I’m also a little concerned how Katelyn is going to react when she realizes that 1) we are not naming the baby Boots and 2) she isn’t really having a baby herself. She’s pretty convinced that I have Boots in my belly and she has Dora. She even listens for Dora’s heartbeat and has me kiss her belly. Katelyn seems to be doing well with her baby weight gain. The other night she said “MOMMY, your belly getting HUUUUUUUGE”. Then she lifted her shirt and said “see mommy, my belly not huge”. As long as she doesn’t point this out after delivery, then I’m okay with it.

GBS negative

I learned last week that I am currently Group B Strep negative.  I will continue the antiobotic once a day until delievery.  I will also be checked for GBS at every appointment. It’s weird, one would think that this would be cause for celebration. Of course I’m relieved, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m frustrated with myself, because I still feel just as scared that something is going to happen as I did the day before I found out I am GBS negative. I am aware of every move this little one makes, and every time he doesn’t move. I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out because I haven’t felt him move in a couple of hours. Of course I haven’t, I’ve been sleeping. I am just so scared of that moment, that moment I realized Andrew wasn’t moving. I am this child’s mothers, I am the one carrying him, he is 100% reliant on me. I need to be aware if something starts to go wrong. It’s exhausting.

In Paradise

Laurin, Brandy, Kiley, you should listen to this...

Eddie from Ohio, Julie Murphy Wells

Lyrics: In Paradise, from Actually Not

I woke up this morning went to pick up the mail. a routine that I always do
probably find bills and catalogues, full of junk I'd never use
as I reached in the box, I felt a sensation
I didn't know what it could be
then I pulled out a card and looked at the postmark it said p.o. cloud 23

dear mommy and daddy, I asked god if he'd let me write a letter to you
he said he felt bad about all of the sad things he was permitted to do
so he took me to peter and he asked him to help me
'cause I was too young to write words
so I climbed on his lap and I leaned over to hear him
and this is what st. peter heard

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

each morning I wake up and the sun it shines brightly and me and the other kids play
we eat lots of pretzels and watch lots of barney and sing-along songs all the day
and at night before bedtime I go visit grandpa who reads me a story or two
then I gather my blanket and lay off to slumber and dream about daddy and you

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I've got to get going st. peter is calling he's gotten a job for me
he says katy you make sure the stars are all lined up
and twinkling as bright as can be
so take comfort together that I'm doing fine
just lay your tears down to rest
my spirit is there and I'll always be with you
remembering two years the best

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I have no idea how to insert a music file, but you can listen to it here...
http://www.amazon.com/Actually-Not-Eddie-Ohio/dp/B00000AE68

High five little guy!

No GBS in urine. Wow, never thought I’d be excited about such a statement concerning my urine.

I feel relieved. Although we don’t know if there is any GBS in my system, at least we know that the antibiotic is fighting it and my levels have gone down. I will finish this full round and then continue on 1 a day for the rest of the pregnancy. Because the body produces it, you can’t kill it off completely, but we’ll do what we can to keep it suppressed as much as possible. The plan was to get aggressive at 28 weeks. Tomorrow I’ll be 27 weeks, so we won’t let any time lapse. I’ll go in in about a week for a culture to test the levels of GBS in my system. Hopefully they will be down as well.

This little guy is an active one. Every time he gives me a big kick I smile, imagining it his way of giving me a high five (or kick in the a$$) to tell me to chill out, everything will be okay. Little guy, thanks for the smiles. I love you!

I wait.

I went to the Dr. yesterday so that they could run some test and see if the antibiotic I’m taking for the GBS is working. After 14 days on the previous one, my GBS levels ended up higher than before I started the meds. At this point, it’s estimated I carry more strep than 95% of the woman who actually carry GBS (of pregnancy woman, about 1/3 carry it).

So, I’m scared.

My results won’t come back until ‘maybe tomorrow’ but definitely by Thursday. I’m scared they are going to come back and tell me that this round didn’t work either. All of the pieces are there to cause the same outcome as last time. The difference this time around is that we are aware of it and trying to fight back with meds. I just need the meds to work. I couldn’t sleep, my nerves are going nuts, and it’s the end of the fiscal year at work.

Considering we were bought by a large publically traded company a few months ago and the numbers for the sale aren’t complete, this is the not best time for my “glass half empty” attitude. My mind is on the bigger picture in life. Not how to handle a customer credit that was issued after the sale of the company for revenue that was recognized before the sale.

So, I wait. I wait until I hear back with the results.

Mount St Mary's

A couple of weekends ago Adam, Katelyn, and I went to Mount Saint Mary's for a basketball game. My 3 older sisters went to The Mount, and I did for a 1 1/2 years before transfering to JMU. I still like visiting, I think it's a beautiful campus. We got there early and had time to walk The Grotto. Apparently, I had no memory of The Grotto. All I remembered was the Virgin Mary that you can see from a distance.

So, the three of us walked the path that leads to the actual Grotto. It's a very spiritual place, you can't help but feel religious when you're there.  They have candles you can light inside The Grotto. We lit a candle for Andrew. It was actually pretty moving.

We then went to the Basketball game where Katelyn told me "mommy, you like basketball, I like hockey like daddy".   Even though it wasn't hockey, I think she still had a good time.  I know I did.

Group B Strep 101

Sepsis, meningitis, pneumonia, stillborn, blindness, deafness, mental retardation, cerebal palsy

I've been reading way too much about GBS on the internet lately. It weighs heavily on my mind these days. What frustrates me is people’s lack of knowledge about it. Granted it's rare for complications to arise, when they do, they can be very serious with lifelong complications, or death. This one girl wrote about how her Dr prescribed her an antibiotic during her pregnancy but she didn't take it because she thought it was "no big deal". I still feel annoyed when I think about that post.

So, to make myself feel better, I thought I'd throw some GBS education out there...

“Group B Strep is a bacterium that causes life-threatening infections in newborns. GBS most commonly causes infection in the blood (sepsis), the fluid and lining of the brain (meningitis), and lungs (pneumonia). It can cause babies to be miscarried, stillborn, or die after being born. Some GBS survivors have permanent handicaps such as blindness, deafness, mental retardation, and cerebral palsy.” Link 1 below

There, does that sound like "no big deal"?

GBS is a bacterium that your body naturally produces. There is nothing you can do about it, other than to treat with antibiotics when it shows up. Even then, once done with treatment, your body can naturally produce more. Normally, GBS is not a threat to the newborn until labor and birth. After the water breaks, the baby is most at risk of becoming exposed. Some babies might appear fine for a few days, and then develop late-onset GBS. Please, if you have a newborn who is sick, call the Dr immediately! It can take their life within 24 hours.

For some woman, the GBS can travel through the membrane walls and get to the baby well before labor begins. "Many Group B Strep germs also make special molecules that can dissolve through the cervix, or the mucin between the vagina and the cervix. Many of these germs also make toxins, which can damage the baby and the placenta before birth." I quote this from an interesting article, GROUP B STREP: A Patient/Provider Approach for Optimizing Care. Link 2 below

In addition, a mother can become seriously sick if the GBS gets to parts of the body that it shouldn't. When I delivered Andrew, my uterus was inundated with GBS and my fever shot up to 106 within minutes. If not treated properly, this can be deadly to the mother as well.

GBS is serious. And I ever hear anyone I know say it’s "no big deal", you better watch out, I'll be coming after you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Link 1 - http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/info_main.html

Link 2 - http://www.obgyn.net/women/women.asp?page=/pb/articles/gbs_part1

gbs update

I heard from the Dr’s office yesterday. My latest round of tests show that I have Group B Strep. This time it showed up in the urine. Of pregnant woman who carry GBS, only about 5% “are so heavily colonized that Group B Strep can be cultured from the mother's urine”. In other words, more than I had before. So, I started a new antibiotic today. The last one I was on upset my stomach so much that by day 10, I was throwing up. For most women, a positive GBS culture would mean antibiotics at delivery. That’s when the baby is at risk. For the few “special cases”, GBS can pass through the membrane walls and into the amniotic sac. That’s what happened with Andrew. GBS got to Andrew and the placenta, he couldn’t fight it, it turned into GBS Sepsis, and he passed away. I feel like right now, even as I sit and type this, I am at the same risk. I sit here, GBS positive, with a history of GBS passing through the membrane walls causing a stillbirth. As much as the antibiotic makes me want to throw up, I can’t wait to take the next dose.

her little mind

I was talking to Katelyn about the new baby the other evening.  She's been through a pregnancy with me before, she's heard all the talk about a little baby brother coming.  I'm curious how her little mind works.  So I said "you know Katelyn, when baby is born he's going to come home and live with us.  Won't that be exciting?"  She said "no, baby come out but he not come home".  I wonder if that's what her little mind thinks.  After all, that is what happened last time.

St Patricks Day

Yesterday we went to St Marks.  Katelyn picked something out for Andrew when we were in Disneyworld last month and I didn't want to leave it at his special place until the snow melted.  We took home the sled and snowman that decorated his place most of the winter. 

Katelyn shook up snowglobe and put it in place.

We also left an Irish cross, it was St Patricks day after all!

She then climbed up next to the niche and played with the little Caps zambodie that we left there.  It was precious.  To me, it was like watching them play together.  Him sharing his toy with her.  She pushed it around as if she were driving it all over his niche.

It made me smile.

nightowl

Adam and I have a nightowl.  Seriously, our girl does not go to bed at a normal time.  She's not cranky and acting tired at night, she's still happy and playful.   Just not tired!  My dad captured this picture last night.  Adam and I were in the basement watching Lost, thinking that Katelyn was actually in bed for the night.  We were wrong. 

Does she look tired to you?

anxiety?

I am feeling like a big mess these days, a bundle of anxiety. I need some serious xanax. My stomach is in knots, I don’t sleep well, and am full of nervous energy, constantly shaking my legs to try to release some. The worst part is feeling like my heart is beating out of my chest. My heart rate is up and I’m having heart palpations. I had a follow-up with the thyroid Dr yesterday. He called me today and said that my levels were still high but not any worse than last time. The heart palps could be from three things. Thyroid, pregnancy, or anxiety. When he called today he said he does not think it’s the thyroid. I’m thinking anxiety. Obviously the baby is my top concern, where my mind and energy are focused. But, there are other things that could cause some minor stress. Adam and I are still at my parents house. Adam is looking for a job and until he has one, we won’t be moving. We have about 3 months until baby comes, and we don’t know where we will be living in 3 months. If we move, that brings the work associated with a move. If we don’t, all of our baby stuff is in not-accessible storage. On top of that, my company is moving offices in the next 3 months or so. With all of that means a new daycare. If you’ve ever had to leave you’re baby with someone who starts out as essentially a stranger, you know how difficult the daycare search can be.

The other evening, my sister Mary K and I talked about summer time. We talked about how in late summer things will *hopefully* be figured out. Adam will have a job, we’ll have a place to live, daycare will be figured out, and our newest bundle of joy will be in my arms. Oh yeah, and I’ll be a able to drink beer again. What a sweet sweet thought. 

an afternoon with Andrew

The night I delivered Andrew, I was pretty out of it. I was still in shock, drugged up, tired, emotional, and sick. After delivering I spiked a high fever, got the shakes and pretty much passed out. Once I got home the next day, I didn’t feel good about the time I got the spend with Andrew. I wanted to see him again. This time without a fever, without drugs and not in the middle of the night.

I had to hold him, rock him, and sing him a lullaby. I just had to. He’s my baby and I couldn’t let him go without ever doing those things. So my parents and Adam worked with the funeral home to make sure I could see him again. After the autopsy, Adam and I went to Murphy’s Funeral Home in Falls Church. We spent a couple of hours there one afternoon. We were in a quiet room with a couch. I got to hold him, head on my shoulder, chest on my chest. I rocked and sang him a song. I told him that that’s how we were supposed to take naps together. I kissed him and held his hand. Adam held him too, as if he was sitting on the couch watching football together. Adam then gave me time alone with Andrew. It was beautiful. I cherish those moments in my heart and am so glad the funeral home helped arrange them. They had never done that and weren’t sure, realistically, how Andrew would look. He was dressed in an outfit we had given them, a little green newborn outfit that Katelyn had also warn. He looked beautiful, like a peaceful sleeping baby. Some days I ache for that afternoon again. To be able to hold him one more time. Sing him one more song. That afternoon has given me so much peace, memories I will hold in my heart until I can see Andrew again. Maybe next time he’ll laugh at my singing, much like Katelyn does today.

This is a picture of the urn we picked out that afternoon for Andrew

gbs

My Doctor, Dr Zaita, called me Monday. I am now GBS positive. She has put me on a 2 week prescription of an antibiotic. Starting around 28 weeks, I will then most likely go on 1 a day as a suppressant. I have noticed that since learning that, my mood has changed. I’m definitely more stressed, scared, and emotional. Yesterday, while driving home with Katelyn, I started crying. I try to hide this from her, but she doesn’t miss anything these days. She said “why you sad mommy? You want daddy too?” (She always tells me “I want daddy”). Dr. Zaita keeps telling me that the further along I get, the more emotional I’ll be. I’d have to say that so far, she’s right.

February 21, 2010

My dad took this picture on Sunday.  I don't know where he found a cup, but he did and created all of the little snow, um, things.  What would you call those?   You can see the Washington Caps Zamboni that my dad picked out for Andrew when we went to a Caps game recently.  Katelyn left the little snowman.  Adam, Katelyn and I had gone on Saturday and Adam made a mini-yet-real snowman, which had apparently melted and falled over by Sunday.  We sure do miss our little guy.

21 week appt

I had an appointment yesterday morning. The routine monthly checkup. They did all of the regular checkup stuff, like weight and blood pressure. Then she did some non-routine stuff.  She ran another full set of cultures, the ones they run at 12 weeks (plus some extras – 14 total tests). I’m most interested to hear if I’m GPS negative or positive. I’ll find out next Monday. I always feel so much better after an appointment. They’re checkpoints for me. Okay, I made it to this point. Things look good. Now to make it to the next appointment. My Dr is amazing too, really understanding of my situation. In fact, she spent a lot of time at this appointment asking about depression and anxiety. How I thought I was doing emotionally, and how Adam thinks I’m doing. Overall, I think I’m doing pretty good at this point. Ask me again when I’m in the third trimester.

party of 5

The first night we were at Disney we watched the firework show in Magic Kingdom. First off, what is it about those cheesy Disney songs that are so darn catchy? I love them, they make me want to dance down Main Street. Okay, not really. Okay, really. Maybe a little.

Anyway, the fireworks were great. Katelyn sat on Adams shoulders and I stood next to them. As I stood there, I started to rub my belly, something I do a lot of when I’m pregnant. I don’t know why, it’s subconscious, like rocking when you’re holding a baby. As I stood there rubbing my belly, I thought of the little boy growing inside of me. I then put my other hand on my heart, and thought of my little boy who lives there every day. And I couldn’t help but stand there, thinking of us as a family of five. In my heart, that’s what we are. A family of five. One girl, two boys.

I found that thought so interesting. To anyone looking at us from the outside, anyone who sees how we live our daily lives, we are a family of three. Dad, mom, and daughter. But in my heart, we’re a party of five.

disney

We did it.  We went to Disneyworld, had a great time, enjoyed every minute of being together, and came back exhausted...which I suppose if you do Disneyworld correctly, then exhausted is the only way to be.  For Adam and I, our favorite part was watching Katelyns reactions to everything. 

More to come later...

It's a....

We had our sonogram this morning.  I didn't sleep well and was super nervous going into it.  I just had to see the baby.  I had to see the baby moving.  I had to see the heartbeat.  I saw all of that and feel so much better.  Everything looks great and I can breath easier.

It goes without saying that the best part was hearing...and seeing...that everything looks good. 

So, here's our little one...

Our Little Boy!

thyriod

Early last week my Dr called me and said that my thyroid numbers were off. She said they off in the first trimester, which can be normal, but got worse during the second trimester tests she had just run. She referred me to a thyroid Dr, who saw me on Tuesday. I went to my appointment where he took tons of blood and then did a sonogram of the thyroid. I found that part pretty funny. I have layed on a table next to a sonogram many times before. So there I was, laying with my feet on the extra pull out when he stuck a pillow under my neck and proceeded to examine my thyroid.  Really, it was pretty funny.

So, on Friday, I am sitting at work when I receive a call at 10:00 am. It’s the 'thyroid office'. The receptionist tells me that the results are in and the Dr would like to see me…could I be there by 11:00? Clearly she does not understand my current state of mind.  I got to the office and the Dr called me back. He sat me down in his office, took a deep breath, and said “so, you have Grave’s Disease”.  My response, “Good Lord, what is THAT!?” He told me it’s basically a hyperthyroid at which point I told him it needs a different name. He told me that it’s not pregnancy related but genetic, that’s its actually more under control when I’m pregnant because of the way the immune system changes.  He said that it will most likely get worse about 2-3 months after I give birth.

We talked in length about how it can affect the baby if it gets worse during the pregnancy. They will continue to monitor my levels and decide at what point, if any, I need to be treated.  If my levels get worse, then it can affect the babies thyriod, which can affect the babies growth.  Throughout the rest of the pregnancy, they will do sonograms of the babies thyroid. I don’t know how, I am still amazed at how Dr’s read sonograms, but again, I just have to trust that they can.

Next appointment, our detailed sonogram on Thursday. I’m already nervous.

faith

So, the evening of my freak out moment, my Dr called me.  She called around 5:00, and I know the office closes at 4:30.  She knew I was nervous and wanted to have time to go over GBS (again) with me and answer all of my questions.  It was really nice talking to her and I feel much better about things now.

At the end of the conversation she told me not to worry about the GBS.   To just go to the sonogram next week and see the baby and let them look at everything they need to look at.  My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered that I also have all the NORMAL worries that go along with pregnancy. 

I'm realizing that as much as my faith has been tested, I have to have it.  I have to have faith that everything will be okay.  I need to trust in God.  Because I am quickly realizing that I can't handle all of this stress and the emotions on my own.  I need God in my life. 

freak out

So, today was the first time I had a freak out moment.  I mean a real freak out about this pregnancy.  I started to get scared about the GBS.  At my last test I was still negative.  My next test isn't for 3 more weeks.  I started to wonder at what point I became positive with both Katelyn and Andrew, and at what point I might become positive this time around.  If I turned positive since my last test am I just walking around at risk? 

I called my Dr and she was able to answer my questions.  Of course I didn't understand everything she was saying but after I understood as much as I thought I would, I told her that I trust her and just have to believe in what she is telling me.  I do trust her, but it's hard to put all of your trust into something like this.  I felt better after my call with her.  We will still wait until my appointment in 3 weeks.  She explained that even if I become positive at this point, it can't get to the baby like it can in the 3rd trimester because of positioning, the cervix, and whatever else she explained. 

My nerves are settled, kind of, for now.

laughing, yelling, and running

Last night my sister Mary K came over with her kids. We watched a video that she made for my parents for Christmas this past year. She did an amazing job. It’s a video, set to some great songs, of pictures she took throughout the year. These pictures are off all of the grandchildren (with some the ‘adults’ in there as well). It’s in chronological order, so in the middle of the video, when she gets to July, there is a segment for Andrew. It shows a few of the NILMDTS pictures. It’s beautiful. But every time I watch it, I think about all he will be missing out on. I’m glad she put it in there; he was a huge part of this past year and of our family. But it’s sad. I see all of the grandchildren growing together and loving each other. The way they play and have so many good times with each other. And I think about how Andrew will miss it all. Some say he’ll still be there, a part of those family moments. I know he will be, but not in the way I want. I want him to be growing with them, laughing, yelling, and running.   He’s not there, and I still don’t understand why.

any given day

I titled this blog 'any given day' because I could write it any day.  There's nothing special about today, this is how I feel everyday...

The thought that I can't stop repeating in my head these days is that Andrew should be here. He should be here. He was a healthy baby boy. Not only did a full autopsy and genetic tests tell me that, but I know it in my heart. I know that he was a healthy baby. He was so active too. I would often tell my co-workers that I was getting beat up. All of the kicking and moving around. I loved it. It's hard knowing that he was healthy and a simple antiobotic could have saved his life. That one infection could take his entire life. If only I had known something was wrong. It was my job to take care of him and I didn't even know he needed my help. Andrew, I'm sorry. If I had known you needed something, I would have done whatever I could to help you. But, I know you know that. I know that you know how much I love you.

another appointment

I had another appointment today.  I seem to feel so emotional whenever I walk into the Dr's office.  It's like a rush of hormones or something.  I held back the urge to start crying the whole time I was there.  Not necessarily happy or sad tears.  Tears from a rush of emotions.  I didn't cry though, I did okay.  Everything seems good so far.  I heard the heartbeat, which obviously brings so much comfort.  I left with my referral for the 20 week sonogram.  It's scheduled for February 4th.  I say I'm not sure about finding out the sex, but I'm pretty sure when the time comes, we'll do it.  

our new reality

It's been really windy around here recently. About a week ago, I was sitting at work and thought of the glass Christmas tree we had left at Andrews niche. I got worried that it would blow over and break. I called Adam, who was in Vienna, and asked him to stop by St Marks and bring the tree home. He went, picked up the tree, and left the sled because it is now weighed down with a block of ice.

I sat at my desk thinking about our new life and how we take care of each of our children. It was as if I called and asked him to stop at the store and pick up some juice for Katelyn. (okay, maybe it's not THAT simple), but it was the same concept. This is our new reality. St Marks is Andrews special place and we will take care of that for him just as we will take care of Katelyns needs. It's hard to put into words, but I definitely felt it. We are settling into our new reality.

Andrews special place on Christmas day.