I have taken a long time off from writing. I know exactly why. I don’t need to go to therapy to figure it out. I was scared of writing about Andrews 1 year anniversary. It was easier to not write about it than to process how I felt about it. It’s hard to put it in writing, but I know what I am thinking. That first year anniversary felt so significant. Like we had made it, and we will be alright. But by saying we’ll be alright, I feel like I am admitting I am at peace with everything. And as I’ve said before, I am not at peace with it. I want him here with us, in my arms. One of the things I keep thinking about is knowing that he was a healthy baby boy. That one infection changed everything. If we had known about it, a simple antibiotic could have saved an entire life.
So, I have decided to start writing again. This blog is my therapy, and I need it. I need a place to write about Andrew. To put my thoughts down. Out of my head and onto paper. It's for me.
It puts a smile on my face every time Katelyn randomly mentions Andrew. I want a place to write those stories, to remember them, so I can reread them and also share them with her when she is older. I’m sure none of this will make total sense to her until she holds her own baby in her arms. Then she will understand how much my heart broke that day in July, and how much she has done for me. How much it means to me when she talks about him, learns from him, and keeps him a part of our lives. I look forward to Joseph learning from Katelyn and Andrew as well.
So, I will write about Andrews first year anniversary. How we honored him. I will then use this blog as a place to write my stories as a mother. A mother with one baby, a piece of me, in heaven.