faith

So, the evening of my freak out moment, my Dr called me.  She called around 5:00, and I know the office closes at 4:30.  She knew I was nervous and wanted to have time to go over GBS (again) with me and answer all of my questions.  It was really nice talking to her and I feel much better about things now.

At the end of the conversation she told me not to worry about the GBS.   To just go to the sonogram next week and see the baby and let them look at everything they need to look at.  My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered that I also have all the NORMAL worries that go along with pregnancy. 

I'm realizing that as much as my faith has been tested, I have to have it.  I have to have faith that everything will be okay.  I need to trust in God.  Because I am quickly realizing that I can't handle all of this stress and the emotions on my own.  I need God in my life. 

freak out

So, today was the first time I had a freak out moment.  I mean a real freak out about this pregnancy.  I started to get scared about the GBS.  At my last test I was still negative.  My next test isn't for 3 more weeks.  I started to wonder at what point I became positive with both Katelyn and Andrew, and at what point I might become positive this time around.  If I turned positive since my last test am I just walking around at risk? 

I called my Dr and she was able to answer my questions.  Of course I didn't understand everything she was saying but after I understood as much as I thought I would, I told her that I trust her and just have to believe in what she is telling me.  I do trust her, but it's hard to put all of your trust into something like this.  I felt better after my call with her.  We will still wait until my appointment in 3 weeks.  She explained that even if I become positive at this point, it can't get to the baby like it can in the 3rd trimester because of positioning, the cervix, and whatever else she explained. 

My nerves are settled, kind of, for now.

laughing, yelling, and running

Last night my sister Mary K came over with her kids. We watched a video that she made for my parents for Christmas this past year. She did an amazing job. It’s a video, set to some great songs, of pictures she took throughout the year. These pictures are off all of the grandchildren (with some the ‘adults’ in there as well). It’s in chronological order, so in the middle of the video, when she gets to July, there is a segment for Andrew. It shows a few of the NILMDTS pictures. It’s beautiful. But every time I watch it, I think about all he will be missing out on. I’m glad she put it in there; he was a huge part of this past year and of our family. But it’s sad. I see all of the grandchildren growing together and loving each other. The way they play and have so many good times with each other. And I think about how Andrew will miss it all. Some say he’ll still be there, a part of those family moments. I know he will be, but not in the way I want. I want him to be growing with them, laughing, yelling, and running.   He’s not there, and I still don’t understand why.

any given day

I titled this blog 'any given day' because I could write it any day.  There's nothing special about today, this is how I feel everyday...

The thought that I can't stop repeating in my head these days is that Andrew should be here. He should be here. He was a healthy baby boy. Not only did a full autopsy and genetic tests tell me that, but I know it in my heart. I know that he was a healthy baby. He was so active too. I would often tell my co-workers that I was getting beat up. All of the kicking and moving around. I loved it. It's hard knowing that he was healthy and a simple antiobotic could have saved his life. That one infection could take his entire life. If only I had known something was wrong. It was my job to take care of him and I didn't even know he needed my help. Andrew, I'm sorry. If I had known you needed something, I would have done whatever I could to help you. But, I know you know that. I know that you know how much I love you.

another appointment

I had another appointment today.  I seem to feel so emotional whenever I walk into the Dr's office.  It's like a rush of hormones or something.  I held back the urge to start crying the whole time I was there.  Not necessarily happy or sad tears.  Tears from a rush of emotions.  I didn't cry though, I did okay.  Everything seems good so far.  I heard the heartbeat, which obviously brings so much comfort.  I left with my referral for the 20 week sonogram.  It's scheduled for February 4th.  I say I'm not sure about finding out the sex, but I'm pretty sure when the time comes, we'll do it.  

our new reality

It's been really windy around here recently. About a week ago, I was sitting at work and thought of the glass Christmas tree we had left at Andrews niche. I got worried that it would blow over and break. I called Adam, who was in Vienna, and asked him to stop by St Marks and bring the tree home. He went, picked up the tree, and left the sled because it is now weighed down with a block of ice.

I sat at my desk thinking about our new life and how we take care of each of our children. It was as if I called and asked him to stop at the store and pick up some juice for Katelyn. (okay, maybe it's not THAT simple), but it was the same concept. This is our new reality. St Marks is Andrews special place and we will take care of that for him just as we will take care of Katelyns needs. It's hard to put into words, but I definitely felt it. We are settling into our new reality.

Andrews special place on Christmas day.

different this time

This pregancy is very different than my first two.  I am scared, nervous, and very cautiously excited.  I go back and forth about growing attached to the baby.

Sometimes I think I don't want to find out the sex.  I try not to get excited.  I don't want to grow attached, risk going through the same level of heartache. 

Other times I want to get attached as possible.  I think about getting a 3d sonogram and recording  it.  I would love to have that of Andrew.  I know Andrew was alive and well.  I felt him all of the time.  I would love to have that sonogram video so that others can see him alive as well.

All I do know is that pregnancy feel very different that the other two.

NEWS

Heres some news for you.  I'm pregnant!  Holy moly, I'm one nutcase these days.  Even crazier than me being pregnant is my due date...July 2...the same day I delievered Andrew.  My mom says thats a sign from Andrew.  I know he's okay with it, he wants us to be happy. 

I'm almost 4 months and just now allowing myself to get excited.  I've had my first Group B Strep test, which came back negative.  They will continue to test me weekly.  I told them that I didn't need to know the whole plan...I just need to know whatever I need to know to get to my next appointment.  If I try to think about it all at once, I get scared and anxious. 

I told Adam if he thinks I was crazy with the first two pregnancy, he needs to get ready, who knows what I'll be like this time around.

Merry Christmas

I didn't do a Christmas card this year.  I wasn't feeling it.  I didn't think I should send a card just because I thought I should.  I'm not ready to send out a picture of just the 3 of us, or just Katelyn.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to sign the card.  I didn't know what to write.  So, I decided to not worry about it and just not do it. 

I was also thinking about what a Christmas letter would read like from us.

Hello Friends,

2009, what a year.  We hope yours was better than ours.  Adam last his job.  We sold our house.  We put offers on 7 different homes and didn't get any of them.  We closed on our house, packed up, threw everything in storage and moved into my parents house.  We stopped looking for a home for the winter because I'm emotionally drained.  My company, where I've worked for almost 6 years got sold in November.  I went from a comfy small company of 17 to a large international company who's services I don't understand.  My job duties are getting transfered to Florida (I did our accounting and now we have an accounting department in Miami).  Oh, and we're trying to potty train.

All this while dealing with the loss of Andrew.  The most difficult, depressing, emotional experience we have ever faced. 

The good news?  The Dr put me on zoloft. 

Happy New Year!
Love, The Ledermans

quality family fun time

We did it, we finally planned a trip to Disneyworld.  Other than our honeymoon, Adam and I have never gone on a real vacation other than visiting my parents beach house or his parents house in Vermont.  I've wanted to go somewhere - somewhere fun, different, and exciting, somewhere on an airplane - for a very long time. 

After we lost Andrew I decided that we just need to do it.  There's more to life than work, chores, errands, and visits to the neighborhood park.  I feel like this trip is in honor of Andrew.  He got us to really do it.  Drop everything and head out for some quality family fun time.  We booked our flights last night and will be heading to Orlando February 7 for a week.  And I'm not worried about leaving Andrew behind...I know he'll be with us.

Sean

I am one of 5 kids.  My oldest sister, Ann, has 4 children.  Her oldest, Sean, has Angelman Syndrome, "a genetic disorder which causes severe developmental delay.  The most striking symptoms are mental retardation, seizures, a severe speech disorder (in most cases, lack of speech), and gross and fine motor difficulties". 

Sean is currently in the hospital with seizures.  This certainly is not the first time he has been in for seizures, but it is after the longest period since the last visit.  Sean went about a 1 1/2 years without an episode like he is experiencing right now.  Please say some prayers for this little guy. 

my little beach bum

It makes me happy that my daughter loves the beach as much as I do.  She tells us all the time "I want to go to beach house". 

There's something about the beach that brings me a sense of peace.  The coast, standing right there on the edge of land and water, gives me such a visual of God's wonder.  It helps me remember that there is a greater power, something that makes the world work.  I need that reminder these days. 

So, today we came to Bethany.  As soon as we got to town, Katelyn and I wanted to head to the beach.  Granted it was 30 degrees and windy, we still had fun.  I love my little beach bum.