included in the Holidays

I would love to hear ways that other mothers are including thier "Heavenly Babies" in the Holidays.  I want to do something to include Andrew.  I have some ideas, but haven't planned anything out.  Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Things you already do?  Please help me with some ideas.

Thanks, Kerry  msm2jmu@aol.com

beautiful CD

I bought a new CD recently, something I rarely do.  It's a Christian CD, again something I rarely do.  But it's beautiful. 

"Beauty will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  "This entire album is written in response to losing his daughter in that tragic accident on May 21st 2008."  Steven lost his young daughter and he wrote these songs during his journey of grief.

Here are some lyrics to one of the songs "Heaven is the Face"

Heaven is the face of a little girl

With dark brown eyes

That disappear when she smiles

Heaven is the place

Where she calls my name

Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

It's not my usual type of music, but I love these songs.  If you listen to any of them, I would recommend having some tissues nearby.

the day i met my son

I love this picture.  I love that I am smiling in awe of the beauty of my son.  It helps me remember that through all of the heartache, July 2, 2009 is also the day I met my son.  The day that I held him, kissed him, rocked him, and was simply with him. 

surface

Some days are just hard.  I love reading blogs of other mothers who understand.  Understand that there is no getting over such an experience.  I often wonder if others, who have not experienced this pain, wonder when I will be able to move on.  Stop dwelling on what happened and refocus.  I don't know when that time will come, but it sure hasn't come yet.   The other night as I layed in bed one small tear rolled down my cheek.  I didn't even know it was there, right on the surface.  I feel like that's my life these days.  At any minute I could let the tears flow.  They are so close to the surface.  But I try not to during the day.  I try to stay busy.  Until I go to bed.  That's when I lay and think about Andrew the most.  I think about Andrew and how how different my life should be these days.  I really really miss my little guy.

random thought

I wonder if people would think of my situation differently if Andrew had lived or a minute, an hour, or a day. Where is that line that makes a different…between losing your baby before birth or shortly after birth? To me, it doesn’t exist. To others, I’m sure it does and I’m curious where. I was reading about a mother whose son lived for 3 minutes. That included a heartbeat and breathing. Yet her son is considered a stillborn by her State. In other words, her son was not issued a birth certificate. I suppose if your child lives for a few minutes, then you don’t experience the scary silence in the room and go through the experience…of which there are no words to describe…of delivering your baby who has already passed away. The limp body, the mouth open, the red lips, and more than anything, the silence. But if your baby does live, you may experience such an extreme opposite. Franticness, nurses, Drs, machines, wires. Such different arrivals, yet in the end, we all go home without our babies. When I read blogs written by other mothers, I realize the emotional journey is so similar. Yet I wonder if people on the outside look at the situations very differently.

Just some random thoughts.

my prayer

I thought I'd share my prayer.  As much as I have been questioning all of my beliefs, I never stopped praying.  Katelyn and I say our prayers (almost) every night.  I asked her what she's thankful for that day and it's always something different.  Sometimes mommy and daddy.  Sometimes random cousins, an aunt, an uncle, a pretty day, and recently her Dora phone.  We always ask God to watch over Andrew and make sure he's happy and safe. 

I also have a special prayer that I don't say with Katelyn.  I found something similiar online after loosing Andrew.

"God, I always thought I would hold my son on my lap and tell him about you.  Now I'm asking if you will hold him on your lap and tell him about me"

July

Some days I'm sad because I'm trying to learn how to keep Andrew a part of our lives.  I focus on how to include him and how to be his mother with him in Heaven and me here. 

And other days, like today, I am sad because I think about those first few days in July.  I look at pictures from the hospital and remember so many of the emotions.  I think I was mainly numb.  Shocked.  Still trying to process everything going on.  I look at the pictures from my dads camera.  They aren't the edited ones from NILMDTS that are so beautiful and soft.  They more like the raw, unedited version of a film.  But they're good for me to look at, to remember what it was really like.

container store

I think I may have found something.  I've been looking or a container, something small, clear, and with a lid, that we could leave at Andrews spot.  Something that we could put things in that we want to keep dry from the rain.  It's okay if something gets wet, but a lid to at least hold most of the rain away.  I've looked at Michaels and online and couldn't seem to find the right container.  Then, it came to me.  So simple.  The little clear containers at the Container Store.  I plan on heading there and trying out a few different sizes.  One that could fit a little race car would be great.

I share this for mothers out there who might be in the same situation.  I'll let you know how it works out.

the shell

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him.  I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs.  People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard.  I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart. 

Until recently. 

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place.  Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her.  There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later.  It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape. 

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell!  As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box.  As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up.  Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car.  I took a moment to myself.  Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays.  It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew.  And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew.  That's where I was pregnant.  By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it.  The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door.  I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace.  I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are. 

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one.  I believe it in my heart.

I went to Church!

I went to mass last night. I really couldn't decide what to do, my faith has been challenged and I didn't know what this "Mass for all Souls" would be all about. My granddad Becker passed away this past year also, so my dad and grandmother were already planning on going to St Marks. I was out with Adam and right around 7:30 decided that I should really go. Mass started at 7:30, so I got there right in time for the end of the homily. I used the ‘better late than never’ card.

I am really glad I went. The mass was beautiful. I snuck in and sat next to my Grandmother, who was probably wondering why I was showing up for mass half way through. After the homily was the most beautiful part of the night. St Marks had set candles up at the front of the alter. Two readers then read off the names of each parishioner who passed away within the past year. As each name was read, a candle was lit. Both names, Clarence Becker and Andrew Becker Lederman were read. I am so glad something pulled at my heart and got me to go. The most emotional part was at the end, when all of the candles were lit and the choir sang “On Eagles Wings” and some other song that I can’t remember right now but was really beautiful.  Afterwards the families were able to take a candle. My dad and I went up and he got one for his father and I got one for my son. I was then able to go right out back and leave the candle at Andrews’ special place.

I felt a sense of piece and comfort. It was the first time that I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step towards renewing my faith, my faith that I have thought about more in the past 4 months than any other time in my life. This is a very emotionally draining journey…

Feast of All Souls Day

Today is The Feast of All Souls Day in the Catholic Church.  Masses are said for all those who have departed us.  Andrew will be included in the Mass at Mount Saint Mary's thanks to Auntie Ann.  Andrew will also be included at the Mass at St. Marks where they will say a special prayer for all those who passed away within the past year. 

I'm still working on my faith during this time.  I still don't understand why Adam and I have to go through such heartache.  I've heard all of the answers...God didn't choice for this to happen and such.  But deep down, I still just don't understand.

halloween

Last night we drove out to Aunt K's so Katelyn could go trick-or-treating with her cousins.  On the way there I thought about leaving some candy at Andrews special place.  But then I thought about how he wouldn't be eating candy now anyway, so maybe we could leave something else, but I wasn't sure what.  I asked Adam and he just drove quietly for a bit.  I asked him what he was thinking, fearing he was thinking I was crazy for even wondering what to leave Andrew for Halloween.  When I asked, he looked at me and said "do they make little football costumes"?  He said he was thinking how it would have been fun to dress Andrew as a football and he (Adam) could be a football player, and he would walk around holding Andrew all night.  He then said Katelyn and I could be cheerleaders.  It was definitely a cute thought.  One that left us in reflective silence the rest of the drive there.