confused

Katelyn is confused. Three weeks after I delivered Andrew her baby cousin, Patrick, was born. I brought her to Fairfax hospital to meet Mike and Emily’s new addition, at which point Katelyn asked me, “my baby brother?” I had to stand there and tell her “no Katelyn, Patrick is your cousin; your baby brother is in heaven.” What does heaven mean to a 2 year old? Who knows!! All I know is she is confused. I ask her all the time who Andrew is and I never get the answer I want. Maybe that’s because I don’t know what I want to hear. Maybe, “Andrew is my little brother who is here, alive and well, and this is all one nasty joke mommy.” Well, she’s doesn’t say that. What she says now is “Andrew is Patrick”. When she looks at the pictures of Andrew (which I actually try to keep out of her reach but somehow she gets too and looks through) she tells me that they are of Patrick.

I wish I was as confused as her. It must be better than knowing what’s really going on.

sea shells

Katelyn and I went to the beach a few times over the summer. My parents have a house at Bethany Beach, DE, and we would go there during the week while Adam worked. Each time we were there I became obsessed with collecting sea shells for Andrews special place. I suppose it was one way for me have Andrew at the beach with me. When we'd go to collect shells, that was me spending time with both of my children. I now carry a bag of shells in my car.

Each visit with Andrew we spend time going through the bag and carefully decide which ones we will leave. Katelyn then carefully goes through the ones that are already there and she picks one or two to take back home with her. I like to think that my kids would share this nicely if Andrew were here. My guess is probably not.

again

It happened today again. It comes in different versions, usually when I'm in the dumps already. "How many kids do you have?" Today it came as "Is she your only one?"

I was at the park watching Katelyn play with a little boy about 12 months old...in the wobble as he walks stage. I love and hate watching her play with little boys. I know she would / will be a great big sister. She needs a sibling around, that's for sure. So, as I was feeling sorry for myself and for Katelyn the mother asks "is she your only one?" As much as I didn't feel like chatting at that moment in time, I can never not mention Andrew. To say I only have one child is to answer as if Andrew never existed. I simple can't do that. So I told her. I'm sure I ruined the 'chatting with a stranger in the park mood', but it helped my mood.

It made me feel better to know that one more person knows about my son.

My hopes with this Blog…

When I lost my son Andrew on July 2, 2009, I was thrown into a world of emotions very few people in my life could understand. It was, and still is, a horrible experience. Since then I have found great comfort in reading others e-mails, blogs, and books about this same experience. It gives me hope to see where others are in the healing process, and brings me comfort to know that I am not alone. I have several hopes with this blog. I hope it will bring comfort to others going through this same experience, give their family and friends some insight, and bring me some comfort too.

I’m starting this blog 3 months after loosing Andrew. I’m sure in my healing process I’ll revisit some of what happened during those first 3 months when the emotions were so fresh. As I get on my feet again, I want to do all I can to keep Andrew a part of our lives. I think about him all of the time…he is a huge part of who I am today.

I miss my son. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.