why the break?

I have taken a long time off from writing. I know exactly why. I don’t need to go to therapy to figure it out. I was scared of writing about Andrews 1 year anniversary. It was easier to not write about it than to process how I felt about it. It’s hard to put it in writing, but I know what I am thinking. That first year anniversary felt so significant. Like we had made it, and we will be alright. But by saying we’ll be alright, I feel like I am admitting I am at peace with everything. And as I’ve said before, I am not at peace with it. I want him here with us, in my arms. One of the things I keep thinking about is knowing that he was a healthy baby boy. That one infection changed everything. If we had known about it, a simple antibiotic could have saved an entire life.

So, I have decided to start writing again. This blog is my therapy, and I need it. I need a place to write about Andrew. To put my thoughts down. Out of my head and onto paper. It's for me.

It puts a smile on my face every time Katelyn randomly mentions Andrew. I want a place to write those stories, to remember them, so I can reread them and also share them with her when she is older. I’m sure none of this will make total sense to her until she holds her own baby in her arms. Then she will understand how much my heart broke that day in July, and how much she has done for me. How much it means to me when she talks about him, learns from him, and keeps him a part of our lives. I look forward to Joseph learning from Katelyn and Andrew as well.

So, I will write about Andrews first year anniversary. How we honored him. I will then use this blog as a place to write my stories as a mother. A mother with one baby, a piece of me, in heaven.

July 2, 2010

I was nervous about Andrews 1 year anniversary.  I wanted to honor him, do something perfect for him.  Many ideas came to mind, but in the end we kept it simple...and it was perfect.  As the time grew closer, I got out his memory box.  I reread all of the cards I recieved, and held a few pieces of clothes I packed away for him.  The hospital gave me a memory box with a hand and foot mold of his, as well as a little bag with some of his hair.  His hair.  It was perfect.  Something physical that I could touch.  I treasure that hair. 

July 2, 2010, was a Friday.  St Marks has a daily morning mass in the Chapel.  The mass was being said in Andrews name.  I invited my immediate family (which takes up half the chapel).  I also invited Nurse Carol, the nurse who helped deliver Andrew and Joseph.  A few of my dearest friends, Colleen, Laura, and Christine (Gill) were there as well. 

After the mass we all walked to the memorial garden behind the chapel.  Father Pat came and said a nice prayer.  There were so many times the past year when I thought about the first anniversary, and how, God given, I would be standing there with a healthy baby in my arms.  And I was.  My Joseph is my little miracle.  A true gift from God.

We then all wrote messages on balloons and released them.  We brought light blue and dark blue balloons for everyone to release, with cream color balloons from Adam, Katelyn, Joseph and I.  Adam also picked up burgendy and gold balloons to send to his little Redskins fan. 

Afterwards, we went back to my parents house for a lunch time BBQ.  I wanted to use the day to have the cousins play, sit on the back porch, and enjoy each others company.  I want to always use July 2 as a day where Adam and I set everything else aside and enjoy time with our family and each other.  The weather was perfect, and as the kids played, a white butterfly followed them around.  Adam and I seperately noticed this butterfly and talked about it later in the day. 

Once everyone left, we took a long nap.  That evening we headed to the beach.  I felt such a weight off of my shoulders.  I had done it.  I had made it through the first year.

adjusting well

I have to say that having Joseph has come with it's own set of emotions.  I am so absolutely in love with him.  I hate putting him down.  I could sit and look at his fingers, toes, little nose, and facial expressions all day long.  I look at him and the thought crosses my mind, what if something were to happen to him.  Then I think, last time something did happen.  Something happened to my other son and he died.  I feel all of the emotions a mother feels while holding her newborn, and its all that much more apparent to me what I have missed.  Having Joseph has brought more love into our lives, but has not taken away any of the pain of loosing Andrew. 

On a different note, Katelyn has adjusted well.  She loves her little brother and gets very concerned when he is fussy.

Joseph seems to be adjusting as well.  He slept through Katelyn's "parade" the other night, which consist of drums and singing the ABC's as loud as possible.

Joseph James is here!

I obviously haven't written in a couple of weeks.  Last week they pushed the date up and we went into the hospital on Thursday evening. 

Joseph James

Born Friday, June 4th, at 12:29 pm. 

7 lbs 3 ounces, 20 inches long. 

He's beautiful, and I find it difficult to put him down.  He is named after both of our maternal grandfathers.  It was a very emotional experience, I think much more than the typical delivery.  It was such a relief to put this stressful pregnancy behind us and finally hold Joseph in our arms.  As much as I tried to keep the deliveries seperate, it was natural to think of Andrew.  With both boys, I went in at 36 weeks and delivered at 36.1.  Andrew was actually longer at 21 inches, but weighed less at 6 lbs, 11 ounces (I think he lost weight at the end).  All 3 kids have the same mouth.  It's a lot to process.  The freshness of the new love for a newborn made us realize, again, how much we missed.  Then you throw in the hormones, and goodness, I'm still a bundle of a mess! 

More to come later, I have to get back to holding my baby.

35 week sonogram

Little guy.  35 week sonogram.  May 27, 2010