July

Some days I'm sad because I'm trying to learn how to keep Andrew a part of our lives.  I focus on how to include him and how to be his mother with him in Heaven and me here. 

And other days, like today, I am sad because I think about those first few days in July.  I look at pictures from the hospital and remember so many of the emotions.  I think I was mainly numb.  Shocked.  Still trying to process everything going on.  I look at the pictures from my dads camera.  They aren't the edited ones from NILMDTS that are so beautiful and soft.  They more like the raw, unedited version of a film.  But they're good for me to look at, to remember what it was really like.

container store

I think I may have found something.  I've been looking or a container, something small, clear, and with a lid, that we could leave at Andrews spot.  Something that we could put things in that we want to keep dry from the rain.  It's okay if something gets wet, but a lid to at least hold most of the rain away.  I've looked at Michaels and online and couldn't seem to find the right container.  Then, it came to me.  So simple.  The little clear containers at the Container Store.  I plan on heading there and trying out a few different sizes.  One that could fit a little race car would be great.

I share this for mothers out there who might be in the same situation.  I'll let you know how it works out.

the shell

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him.  I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs.  People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard.  I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart. 

Until recently. 

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place.  Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her.  There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later.  It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape. 

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell!  As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box.  As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up.  Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car.  I took a moment to myself.  Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays.  It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew.  And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew.  That's where I was pregnant.  By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it.  The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door.  I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace.  I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are. 

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one.  I believe it in my heart.

I went to Church!

I went to mass last night. I really couldn't decide what to do, my faith has been challenged and I didn't know what this "Mass for all Souls" would be all about. My granddad Becker passed away this past year also, so my dad and grandmother were already planning on going to St Marks. I was out with Adam and right around 7:30 decided that I should really go. Mass started at 7:30, so I got there right in time for the end of the homily. I used the ‘better late than never’ card.

I am really glad I went. The mass was beautiful. I snuck in and sat next to my Grandmother, who was probably wondering why I was showing up for mass half way through. After the homily was the most beautiful part of the night. St Marks had set candles up at the front of the alter. Two readers then read off the names of each parishioner who passed away within the past year. As each name was read, a candle was lit. Both names, Clarence Becker and Andrew Becker Lederman were read. I am so glad something pulled at my heart and got me to go. The most emotional part was at the end, when all of the candles were lit and the choir sang “On Eagles Wings” and some other song that I can’t remember right now but was really beautiful.  Afterwards the families were able to take a candle. My dad and I went up and he got one for his father and I got one for my son. I was then able to go right out back and leave the candle at Andrews’ special place.

I felt a sense of piece and comfort. It was the first time that I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step towards renewing my faith, my faith that I have thought about more in the past 4 months than any other time in my life. This is a very emotionally draining journey…

Feast of All Souls Day

Today is The Feast of All Souls Day in the Catholic Church.  Masses are said for all those who have departed us.  Andrew will be included in the Mass at Mount Saint Mary's thanks to Auntie Ann.  Andrew will also be included at the Mass at St. Marks where they will say a special prayer for all those who passed away within the past year. 

I'm still working on my faith during this time.  I still don't understand why Adam and I have to go through such heartache.  I've heard all of the answers...God didn't choice for this to happen and such.  But deep down, I still just don't understand.