31 weeks

So, I’ve been getting emails for an update. I appreciate the interest. I haven’t been writing much, basically because I am so drained. The Dr told me in the beginning that the last trimester would be the most difficult. She was certainly correct.

First off, Andrew is weighing very heavily on my mind these days. That not to say that he wasn’t before, but in previous months I seemed to be able to get through a day without tears. The tears are back and everything seems more fresh again. I think some of that is the weather. The nice weather reminds me of last summer. All of the mornings I spent at St Marks and afternoons spent at the park trying to keep Katelyn busy. I still ask the question “why” all of the time. I have yet to accept what happened. I am not at peace with it. I want him here.

I’m also having more and more panic attacks. Most are in the middle of the night. I wake up shaking, waiting for some movement from my newest little one. I lay there, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to calm down. Not to mention by thyroid numbers/graves disease numbers seem to be going down (meaning getting higher!? Why does this thyroid thing seem so confusing) each time I get tested.

On Monday I start my weekly visits. I’ll go every Monday for a checkup and then 20 minute monitoring of the baby. Right now, we’re looking at delivering the 2nd week of June.

I’m also a little concerned how Katelyn is going to react when she realizes that 1) we are not naming the baby Boots and 2) she isn’t really having a baby herself. She’s pretty convinced that I have Boots in my belly and she has Dora. She even listens for Dora’s heartbeat and has me kiss her belly. Katelyn seems to be doing well with her baby weight gain. The other night she said “MOMMY, your belly getting HUUUUUUUGE”. Then she lifted her shirt and said “see mommy, my belly not huge”. As long as she doesn’t point this out after delivery, then I’m okay with it.