an afternoon with Andrew

The night I delivered Andrew, I was pretty out of it. I was still in shock, drugged up, tired, emotional, and sick. After delivering I spiked a high fever, got the shakes and pretty much passed out. Once I got home the next day, I didn’t feel good about the time I got the spend with Andrew. I wanted to see him again. This time without a fever, without drugs and not in the middle of the night.

I had to hold him, rock him, and sing him a lullaby. I just had to. He’s my baby and I couldn’t let him go without ever doing those things. So my parents and Adam worked with the funeral home to make sure I could see him again. After the autopsy, Adam and I went to Murphy’s Funeral Home in Falls Church. We spent a couple of hours there one afternoon. We were in a quiet room with a couch. I got to hold him, head on my shoulder, chest on my chest. I rocked and sang him a song. I told him that that’s how we were supposed to take naps together. I kissed him and held his hand. Adam held him too, as if he was sitting on the couch watching football together. Adam then gave me time alone with Andrew. It was beautiful. I cherish those moments in my heart and am so glad the funeral home helped arrange them. They had never done that and weren’t sure, realistically, how Andrew would look. He was dressed in an outfit we had given them, a little green newborn outfit that Katelyn had also warn. He looked beautiful, like a peaceful sleeping baby. Some days I ache for that afternoon again. To be able to hold him one more time. Sing him one more song. That afternoon has given me so much peace, memories I will hold in my heart until I can see Andrew again. Maybe next time he’ll laugh at my singing, much like Katelyn does today.

This is a picture of the urn we picked out that afternoon for Andrew

gbs

My Doctor, Dr Zaita, called me Monday. I am now GBS positive. She has put me on a 2 week prescription of an antibiotic. Starting around 28 weeks, I will then most likely go on 1 a day as a suppressant. I have noticed that since learning that, my mood has changed. I’m definitely more stressed, scared, and emotional. Yesterday, while driving home with Katelyn, I started crying. I try to hide this from her, but she doesn’t miss anything these days. She said “why you sad mommy? You want daddy too?” (She always tells me “I want daddy”). Dr. Zaita keeps telling me that the further along I get, the more emotional I’ll be. I’d have to say that so far, she’s right.

February 21, 2010

My dad took this picture on Sunday.  I don't know where he found a cup, but he did and created all of the little snow, um, things.  What would you call those?   You can see the Washington Caps Zamboni that my dad picked out for Andrew when we went to a Caps game recently.  Katelyn left the little snowman.  Adam, Katelyn and I had gone on Saturday and Adam made a mini-yet-real snowman, which had apparently melted and falled over by Sunday.  We sure do miss our little guy.

21 week appt

I had an appointment yesterday morning. The routine monthly checkup. They did all of the regular checkup stuff, like weight and blood pressure. Then she did some non-routine stuff.  She ran another full set of cultures, the ones they run at 12 weeks (plus some extras – 14 total tests). I’m most interested to hear if I’m GPS negative or positive. I’ll find out next Monday. I always feel so much better after an appointment. They’re checkpoints for me. Okay, I made it to this point. Things look good. Now to make it to the next appointment. My Dr is amazing too, really understanding of my situation. In fact, she spent a lot of time at this appointment asking about depression and anxiety. How I thought I was doing emotionally, and how Adam thinks I’m doing. Overall, I think I’m doing pretty good at this point. Ask me again when I’m in the third trimester.

party of 5

The first night we were at Disney we watched the firework show in Magic Kingdom. First off, what is it about those cheesy Disney songs that are so darn catchy? I love them, they make me want to dance down Main Street. Okay, not really. Okay, really. Maybe a little.

Anyway, the fireworks were great. Katelyn sat on Adams shoulders and I stood next to them. As I stood there, I started to rub my belly, something I do a lot of when I’m pregnant. I don’t know why, it’s subconscious, like rocking when you’re holding a baby. As I stood there rubbing my belly, I thought of the little boy growing inside of me. I then put my other hand on my heart, and thought of my little boy who lives there every day. And I couldn’t help but stand there, thinking of us as a family of five. In my heart, that’s what we are. A family of five. One girl, two boys.

I found that thought so interesting. To anyone looking at us from the outside, anyone who sees how we live our daily lives, we are a family of three. Dad, mom, and daughter. But in my heart, we’re a party of five.

disney

We did it.  We went to Disneyworld, had a great time, enjoyed every minute of being together, and came back exhausted...which I suppose if you do Disneyworld correctly, then exhausted is the only way to be.  For Adam and I, our favorite part was watching Katelyns reactions to everything. 

More to come later...

It's a....

We had our sonogram this morning.  I didn't sleep well and was super nervous going into it.  I just had to see the baby.  I had to see the baby moving.  I had to see the heartbeat.  I saw all of that and feel so much better.  Everything looks great and I can breath easier.

It goes without saying that the best part was hearing...and seeing...that everything looks good. 

So, here's our little one...

Our Little Boy!

thyriod

Early last week my Dr called me and said that my thyroid numbers were off. She said they off in the first trimester, which can be normal, but got worse during the second trimester tests she had just run. She referred me to a thyroid Dr, who saw me on Tuesday. I went to my appointment where he took tons of blood and then did a sonogram of the thyroid. I found that part pretty funny. I have layed on a table next to a sonogram many times before. So there I was, laying with my feet on the extra pull out when he stuck a pillow under my neck and proceeded to examine my thyroid.  Really, it was pretty funny.

So, on Friday, I am sitting at work when I receive a call at 10:00 am. It’s the 'thyroid office'. The receptionist tells me that the results are in and the Dr would like to see me…could I be there by 11:00? Clearly she does not understand my current state of mind.  I got to the office and the Dr called me back. He sat me down in his office, took a deep breath, and said “so, you have Grave’s Disease”.  My response, “Good Lord, what is THAT!?” He told me it’s basically a hyperthyroid at which point I told him it needs a different name. He told me that it’s not pregnancy related but genetic, that’s its actually more under control when I’m pregnant because of the way the immune system changes.  He said that it will most likely get worse about 2-3 months after I give birth.

We talked in length about how it can affect the baby if it gets worse during the pregnancy. They will continue to monitor my levels and decide at what point, if any, I need to be treated.  If my levels get worse, then it can affect the babies thyriod, which can affect the babies growth.  Throughout the rest of the pregnancy, they will do sonograms of the babies thyroid. I don’t know how, I am still amazed at how Dr’s read sonograms, but again, I just have to trust that they can.

Next appointment, our detailed sonogram on Thursday. I’m already nervous.