31 weeks

So, I’ve been getting emails for an update. I appreciate the interest. I haven’t been writing much, basically because I am so drained. The Dr told me in the beginning that the last trimester would be the most difficult. She was certainly correct.

First off, Andrew is weighing very heavily on my mind these days. That not to say that he wasn’t before, but in previous months I seemed to be able to get through a day without tears. The tears are back and everything seems more fresh again. I think some of that is the weather. The nice weather reminds me of last summer. All of the mornings I spent at St Marks and afternoons spent at the park trying to keep Katelyn busy. I still ask the question “why” all of the time. I have yet to accept what happened. I am not at peace with it. I want him here.

I’m also having more and more panic attacks. Most are in the middle of the night. I wake up shaking, waiting for some movement from my newest little one. I lay there, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to calm down. Not to mention by thyroid numbers/graves disease numbers seem to be going down (meaning getting higher!? Why does this thyroid thing seem so confusing) each time I get tested.

On Monday I start my weekly visits. I’ll go every Monday for a checkup and then 20 minute monitoring of the baby. Right now, we’re looking at delivering the 2nd week of June.

I’m also a little concerned how Katelyn is going to react when she realizes that 1) we are not naming the baby Boots and 2) she isn’t really having a baby herself. She’s pretty convinced that I have Boots in my belly and she has Dora. She even listens for Dora’s heartbeat and has me kiss her belly. Katelyn seems to be doing well with her baby weight gain. The other night she said “MOMMY, your belly getting HUUUUUUUGE”. Then she lifted her shirt and said “see mommy, my belly not huge”. As long as she doesn’t point this out after delivery, then I’m okay with it.

GBS negative

I learned last week that I am currently Group B Strep negative.  I will continue the antiobotic once a day until delievery.  I will also be checked for GBS at every appointment. It’s weird, one would think that this would be cause for celebration. Of course I’m relieved, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m frustrated with myself, because I still feel just as scared that something is going to happen as I did the day before I found out I am GBS negative. I am aware of every move this little one makes, and every time he doesn’t move. I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out because I haven’t felt him move in a couple of hours. Of course I haven’t, I’ve been sleeping. I am just so scared of that moment, that moment I realized Andrew wasn’t moving. I am this child’s mothers, I am the one carrying him, he is 100% reliant on me. I need to be aware if something starts to go wrong. It’s exhausting.

In Paradise

Laurin, Brandy, Kiley, you should listen to this...

Eddie from Ohio, Julie Murphy Wells

Lyrics: In Paradise, from Actually Not

I woke up this morning went to pick up the mail. a routine that I always do
probably find bills and catalogues, full of junk I'd never use
as I reached in the box, I felt a sensation
I didn't know what it could be
then I pulled out a card and looked at the postmark it said p.o. cloud 23

dear mommy and daddy, I asked god if he'd let me write a letter to you
he said he felt bad about all of the sad things he was permitted to do
so he took me to peter and he asked him to help me
'cause I was too young to write words
so I climbed on his lap and I leaned over to hear him
and this is what st. peter heard

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

each morning I wake up and the sun it shines brightly and me and the other kids play
we eat lots of pretzels and watch lots of barney and sing-along songs all the day
and at night before bedtime I go visit grandpa who reads me a story or two
then I gather my blanket and lay off to slumber and dream about daddy and you

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I've got to get going st. peter is calling he's gotten a job for me
he says katy you make sure the stars are all lined up
and twinkling as bright as can be
so take comfort together that I'm doing fine
just lay your tears down to rest
my spirit is there and I'll always be with you
remembering two years the best

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I have no idea how to insert a music file, but you can listen to it here...
http://www.amazon.com/Actually-Not-Eddie-Ohio/dp/B00000AE68