freak out

So, today was the first time I had a freak out moment.  I mean a real freak out about this pregnancy.  I started to get scared about the GBS.  At my last test I was still negative.  My next test isn't for 3 more weeks.  I started to wonder at what point I became positive with both Katelyn and Andrew, and at what point I might become positive this time around.  If I turned positive since my last test am I just walking around at risk? 

I called my Dr and she was able to answer my questions.  Of course I didn't understand everything she was saying but after I understood as much as I thought I would, I told her that I trust her and just have to believe in what she is telling me.  I do trust her, but it's hard to put all of your trust into something like this.  I felt better after my call with her.  We will still wait until my appointment in 3 weeks.  She explained that even if I become positive at this point, it can't get to the baby like it can in the 3rd trimester because of positioning, the cervix, and whatever else she explained. 

My nerves are settled, kind of, for now.

laughing, yelling, and running

Last night my sister Mary K came over with her kids. We watched a video that she made for my parents for Christmas this past year. She did an amazing job. It’s a video, set to some great songs, of pictures she took throughout the year. These pictures are off all of the grandchildren (with some the ‘adults’ in there as well). It’s in chronological order, so in the middle of the video, when she gets to July, there is a segment for Andrew. It shows a few of the NILMDTS pictures. It’s beautiful. But every time I watch it, I think about all he will be missing out on. I’m glad she put it in there; he was a huge part of this past year and of our family. But it’s sad. I see all of the grandchildren growing together and loving each other. The way they play and have so many good times with each other. And I think about how Andrew will miss it all. Some say he’ll still be there, a part of those family moments. I know he will be, but not in the way I want. I want him to be growing with them, laughing, yelling, and running.   He’s not there, and I still don’t understand why.

any given day

I titled this blog 'any given day' because I could write it any day.  There's nothing special about today, this is how I feel everyday...

The thought that I can't stop repeating in my head these days is that Andrew should be here. He should be here. He was a healthy baby boy. Not only did a full autopsy and genetic tests tell me that, but I know it in my heart. I know that he was a healthy baby. He was so active too. I would often tell my co-workers that I was getting beat up. All of the kicking and moving around. I loved it. It's hard knowing that he was healthy and a simple antiobotic could have saved his life. That one infection could take his entire life. If only I had known something was wrong. It was my job to take care of him and I didn't even know he needed my help. Andrew, I'm sorry. If I had known you needed something, I would have done whatever I could to help you. But, I know you know that. I know that you know how much I love you.

another appointment

I had another appointment today.  I seem to feel so emotional whenever I walk into the Dr's office.  It's like a rush of hormones or something.  I held back the urge to start crying the whole time I was there.  Not necessarily happy or sad tears.  Tears from a rush of emotions.  I didn't cry though, I did okay.  Everything seems good so far.  I heard the heartbeat, which obviously brings so much comfort.  I left with my referral for the 20 week sonogram.  It's scheduled for February 4th.  I say I'm not sure about finding out the sex, but I'm pretty sure when the time comes, we'll do it.  

our new reality

It's been really windy around here recently. About a week ago, I was sitting at work and thought of the glass Christmas tree we had left at Andrews niche. I got worried that it would blow over and break. I called Adam, who was in Vienna, and asked him to stop by St Marks and bring the tree home. He went, picked up the tree, and left the sled because it is now weighed down with a block of ice.

I sat at my desk thinking about our new life and how we take care of each of our children. It was as if I called and asked him to stop at the store and pick up some juice for Katelyn. (okay, maybe it's not THAT simple), but it was the same concept. This is our new reality. St Marks is Andrews special place and we will take care of that for him just as we will take care of Katelyns needs. It's hard to put into words, but I definitely felt it. We are settling into our new reality.

Andrews special place on Christmas day.