an afternoon with Andrew

The night I delivered Andrew, I was pretty out of it. I was still in shock, drugged up, tired, emotional, and sick. After delivering I spiked a high fever, got the shakes and pretty much passed out. Once I got home the next day, I didn’t feel good about the time I got the spend with Andrew. I wanted to see him again. This time without a fever, without drugs and not in the middle of the night.

I had to hold him, rock him, and sing him a lullaby. I just had to. He’s my baby and I couldn’t let him go without ever doing those things. So my parents and Adam worked with the funeral home to make sure I could see him again. After the autopsy, Adam and I went to Murphy’s Funeral Home in Falls Church. We spent a couple of hours there one afternoon. We were in a quiet room with a couch. I got to hold him, head on my shoulder, chest on my chest. I rocked and sang him a song. I told him that that’s how we were supposed to take naps together. I kissed him and held his hand. Adam held him too, as if he was sitting on the couch watching football together. Adam then gave me time alone with Andrew. It was beautiful. I cherish those moments in my heart and am so glad the funeral home helped arrange them. They had never done that and weren’t sure, realistically, how Andrew would look. He was dressed in an outfit we had given them, a little green newborn outfit that Katelyn had also warn. He looked beautiful, like a peaceful sleeping baby. Some days I ache for that afternoon again. To be able to hold him one more time. Sing him one more song. That afternoon has given me so much peace, memories I will hold in my heart until I can see Andrew again. Maybe next time he’ll laugh at my singing, much like Katelyn does today.

This is a picture of the urn we picked out that afternoon for Andrew