adjusting well

I have to say that having Joseph has come with it's own set of emotions.  I am so absolutely in love with him.  I hate putting him down.  I could sit and look at his fingers, toes, little nose, and facial expressions all day long.  I look at him and the thought crosses my mind, what if something were to happen to him.  Then I think, last time something did happen.  Something happened to my other son and he died.  I feel all of the emotions a mother feels while holding her newborn, and its all that much more apparent to me what I have missed.  Having Joseph has brought more love into our lives, but has not taken away any of the pain of loosing Andrew. 

On a different note, Katelyn has adjusted well.  She loves her little brother and gets very concerned when he is fussy.

Joseph seems to be adjusting as well.  He slept through Katelyn's "parade" the other night, which consist of drums and singing the ABC's as loud as possible.

Joseph James is here!

I obviously haven't written in a couple of weeks.  Last week they pushed the date up and we went into the hospital on Thursday evening. 

Joseph James

Born Friday, June 4th, at 12:29 pm. 

7 lbs 3 ounces, 20 inches long. 

He's beautiful, and I find it difficult to put him down.  He is named after both of our maternal grandfathers.  It was a very emotional experience, I think much more than the typical delivery.  It was such a relief to put this stressful pregnancy behind us and finally hold Joseph in our arms.  As much as I tried to keep the deliveries seperate, it was natural to think of Andrew.  With both boys, I went in at 36 weeks and delivered at 36.1.  Andrew was actually longer at 21 inches, but weighed less at 6 lbs, 11 ounces (I think he lost weight at the end).  All 3 kids have the same mouth.  It's a lot to process.  The freshness of the new love for a newborn made us realize, again, how much we missed.  Then you throw in the hormones, and goodness, I'm still a bundle of a mess! 

More to come later, I have to get back to holding my baby.

35 week sonogram

Little guy.  35 week sonogram.  May 27, 2010

June 9th

It's been an interesting month.  The closer I get to delivery, the more I think about being back at Fair Oaks Hospital.  My Doctors have been great.  For the past few weeks I have been going in every Monday for a checkup and stress test.  Every Thursday I have been going for a biophysical sonogram. 

I have an induction date of Weds, June 9th.  I will be 1 day shy of 37 weeks.  I hope my sanity can last that long.  It's hard being at this point, this close to full term.  I just want him out. 

This past Weds I was put on bed rest until my next appt.  I got home from work, felt crummy, and ended up throwing up.  I called the Dr, who asked Adam and I meet him at the hospital.  It was pretty strange, being back on the L&D wing.  When we left, Adam showed me the room where I delievered Andrew.  That room was just 2 doors down from where we were on Weds.  The door was closed, which is fine for me.  I just hope to God it's not because someone else was in there.

31 weeks

So, I’ve been getting emails for an update. I appreciate the interest. I haven’t been writing much, basically because I am so drained. The Dr told me in the beginning that the last trimester would be the most difficult. She was certainly correct.

First off, Andrew is weighing very heavily on my mind these days. That not to say that he wasn’t before, but in previous months I seemed to be able to get through a day without tears. The tears are back and everything seems more fresh again. I think some of that is the weather. The nice weather reminds me of last summer. All of the mornings I spent at St Marks and afternoons spent at the park trying to keep Katelyn busy. I still ask the question “why” all of the time. I have yet to accept what happened. I am not at peace with it. I want him here.

I’m also having more and more panic attacks. Most are in the middle of the night. I wake up shaking, waiting for some movement from my newest little one. I lay there, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to calm down. Not to mention by thyroid numbers/graves disease numbers seem to be going down (meaning getting higher!? Why does this thyroid thing seem so confusing) each time I get tested.

On Monday I start my weekly visits. I’ll go every Monday for a checkup and then 20 minute monitoring of the baby. Right now, we’re looking at delivering the 2nd week of June.

I’m also a little concerned how Katelyn is going to react when she realizes that 1) we are not naming the baby Boots and 2) she isn’t really having a baby herself. She’s pretty convinced that I have Boots in my belly and she has Dora. She even listens for Dora’s heartbeat and has me kiss her belly. Katelyn seems to be doing well with her baby weight gain. The other night she said “MOMMY, your belly getting HUUUUUUUGE”. Then she lifted her shirt and said “see mommy, my belly not huge”. As long as she doesn’t point this out after delivery, then I’m okay with it.