packing packing packing

We are packing up our house this weekend.  All of it in one weekend.  That's not fun.  Katelyn spent the night at grandmom and granddads last night and will be heading to K's tonight.  She's called a few times and said "Hi mommy, I talk to daddy peas".  I say "do you want to talk to me?"  She says "I talk to daddy peas".  It's okay, I know she loves me.

We packed up Andrews room this morning.  It was the first room we did.  I had Adam come sit with me and we looked at each outfit that was hanging in the closet.  I took all of his special stuff and loaded it in a bin to take with me to my parents house.  I don't want to put it in storage, I need it all close to me.

I best get back to packing.  I came downstairs to take a break and watch some of the Purdue game.  Go Boilers!  Apparently I'm not the only one in the house wanting to take a break and watch Purdue.  There's an empty bowl of popcorn and an empty glass where Adam was sitting. 

the patio

It's hitting me rather quickly and with force that we are moving.  These emotions came out of no where.  Well, I am rather emotionally unstable these days, but I thought I'd be fine with the move.  More than any room in our house, I am going to miss the patio out back.  My dad and I fixed up our backyard a couple of years ago.  We did it together by hand.  It was a great bonding time, I enjoyed every minute of it...even when my dad wanted to start EARLY on Saturday mornings.  The whole patio project started because I knew I wanted to hang a swing for Katelyn.  If you know my dad, you know how that want for a swing turned into a full on project.  It was great, and I am really sad to be leaving it.  Really sad. 

football

Adam and I love football, we even met at a flag football coaches meeting.  In my opinion, the actual sport combined with the fall season make it the best time of the year.  I know Andrew would have grown to love football too.  I imagine him as a quarterback.  If he took after me, he'd be able to throw the ball.  Granted I can't throw a football that well, I used to throw a mean softball.  If he took after his dad, he'd be a solid blocker and a fast runner.  Adams paternal grandparents were both Olympic athletes, one for sprinting and the other for hurdles.  Adam's maternal uncle was recruited to play for the Jets.  Adam has solid athletic skills all around.  I know Andrew would too.

Anyway, all of these thoughts came about when I saw the "football" line at Gymboree on sale.  If Andrew were here, I would be dressing him in some of these clothes.  I guess that's how my mind works these days.

packing

This weekend we have to pack up Andrew's room.  I don't want to.  I don't want to put his stuff in a box knowing that it never needs to come back out of that box again.  I'm sure I'll unpack his stuff at our new place, but I know it will just be to make me feel better, not because it needs to be unpacked.

Oh yeah, and we need to pack up the rest of our house too.  Movers are coming on Monday.

something good

It’s interesting for me to read other mothers blogs about the need to become a better person. I’ve been feeling this need since I was in the hospital holding Andrew. I feel like I need to change, something good must come out of this. Something, anything.

I continue to go through a period of personal reflection. I am still changing and wonder where I will end up. Will I be more religious or less? More angry or less? More compassionate or less? Of course I hope for all changes for the better, put it’s like pushing against a brick wall. It’s hard. I am still trying to figure out who I am becoming.  I want to do everything I can to become a better person in honor of my son.