something good

It’s interesting for me to read other mothers blogs about the need to become a better person. I’ve been feeling this need since I was in the hospital holding Andrew. I feel like I need to change, something good must come out of this. Something, anything.

I continue to go through a period of personal reflection. I am still changing and wonder where I will end up. Will I be more religious or less? More angry or less? More compassionate or less? Of course I hope for all changes for the better, put it’s like pushing against a brick wall. It’s hard. I am still trying to figure out who I am becoming.  I want to do everything I can to become a better person in honor of my son.

moving?

We think we're moving this weekend but we're not even sure yet!  MOVING.  We haven't bought a new place yet so we're heading to the parents house...again.  It's amazing how Andrew has put things in perspective.  It's easy to say that something like this will change you, but to actually feel it is amazing.  Yes, it's stressful, but it's different.  All I care about is that Adam, Katelyn and I are under the same roof.  It might not be our roof, but we'll be together.

katelyn and patrick

Here are some pictures taken on Sunday of Katelyn with her little cousin Patrick.  Patrick was born 3 weeks after Andrew.  Katelyn is still confused.  When I ask her who Andrew is, she continues to answer "Andrew is Patrick". 

They remind me of pictures of me holding Mike (Patricks dad) when we were little.  I'm sure you can imagine what else I think about when I see these pictures.

can't do anything

An old friend lost her baby boy last week.  He was full term and lived for about 24 hours.  The pain I feel for her is so strong and so real...it pulls at an emotion I never knew I had.  It breaks my heart knowing that someone else is going through this level of pain, anger, confusion, shock, and pure sadness.  And I know that there isn't anything anyone can do.  Because nobody can give her her baby boy back.

in the dark

I visited Andrew the other night.  I was alone.  It was dark out, breezy, and very fall like.  The kind of night where I have memories as a young kid playing outside with the neighbors.  I had a great childhood.  I grew up on a small court with lots of kids and we'd spend so many nights outside running around playing "ghost in the graveyard" (ironic, huh?)!  I grew up about a mile down the road from St. Marks. 

I couldn't help but think "when the heck did I grow up?"  Of all the memories I have in Vienna and at St Marks, to think that there I was, alone in the dark, visiting my son.  It was pretty wierd.

I love this picture, it looks like I didn't have a stress in the world!