our new reality

It's been really windy around here recently. About a week ago, I was sitting at work and thought of the glass Christmas tree we had left at Andrews niche. I got worried that it would blow over and break. I called Adam, who was in Vienna, and asked him to stop by St Marks and bring the tree home. He went, picked up the tree, and left the sled because it is now weighed down with a block of ice.

I sat at my desk thinking about our new life and how we take care of each of our children. It was as if I called and asked him to stop at the store and pick up some juice for Katelyn. (okay, maybe it's not THAT simple), but it was the same concept. This is our new reality. St Marks is Andrews special place and we will take care of that for him just as we will take care of Katelyns needs. It's hard to put into words, but I definitely felt it. We are settling into our new reality.

Andrews special place on Christmas day.

different this time

This pregancy is very different than my first two.  I am scared, nervous, and very cautiously excited.  I go back and forth about growing attached to the baby.

Sometimes I think I don't want to find out the sex.  I try not to get excited.  I don't want to grow attached, risk going through the same level of heartache. 

Other times I want to get attached as possible.  I think about getting a 3d sonogram and recording  it.  I would love to have that of Andrew.  I know Andrew was alive and well.  I felt him all of the time.  I would love to have that sonogram video so that others can see him alive as well.

All I do know is that pregnancy feel very different that the other two.

NEWS

Heres some news for you.  I'm pregnant!  Holy moly, I'm one nutcase these days.  Even crazier than me being pregnant is my due date...July 2...the same day I delievered Andrew.  My mom says thats a sign from Andrew.  I know he's okay with it, he wants us to be happy. 

I'm almost 4 months and just now allowing myself to get excited.  I've had my first Group B Strep test, which came back negative.  They will continue to test me weekly.  I told them that I didn't need to know the whole plan...I just need to know whatever I need to know to get to my next appointment.  If I try to think about it all at once, I get scared and anxious. 

I told Adam if he thinks I was crazy with the first two pregnancy, he needs to get ready, who knows what I'll be like this time around.

Merry Christmas

I didn't do a Christmas card this year.  I wasn't feeling it.  I didn't think I should send a card just because I thought I should.  I'm not ready to send out a picture of just the 3 of us, or just Katelyn.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to sign the card.  I didn't know what to write.  So, I decided to not worry about it and just not do it. 

I was also thinking about what a Christmas letter would read like from us.

Hello Friends,

2009, what a year.  We hope yours was better than ours.  Adam last his job.  We sold our house.  We put offers on 7 different homes and didn't get any of them.  We closed on our house, packed up, threw everything in storage and moved into my parents house.  We stopped looking for a home for the winter because I'm emotionally drained.  My company, where I've worked for almost 6 years got sold in November.  I went from a comfy small company of 17 to a large international company who's services I don't understand.  My job duties are getting transfered to Florida (I did our accounting and now we have an accounting department in Miami).  Oh, and we're trying to potty train.

All this while dealing with the loss of Andrew.  The most difficult, depressing, emotional experience we have ever faced. 

The good news?  The Dr put me on zoloft. 

Happy New Year!
Love, The Ledermans

quality family fun time

We did it, we finally planned a trip to Disneyworld.  Other than our honeymoon, Adam and I have never gone on a real vacation other than visiting my parents beach house or his parents house in Vermont.  I've wanted to go somewhere - somewhere fun, different, and exciting, somewhere on an airplane - for a very long time. 

After we lost Andrew I decided that we just need to do it.  There's more to life than work, chores, errands, and visits to the neighborhood park.  I feel like this trip is in honor of Andrew.  He got us to really do it.  Drop everything and head out for some quality family fun time.  We booked our flights last night and will be heading to Orlando February 7 for a week.  And I'm not worried about leaving Andrew behind...I know he'll be with us.