the shell

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him.  I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs.  People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard.  I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart. 

Until recently. 

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place.  Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her.  There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later.  It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape. 

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell!  As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box.  As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up.  Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car.  I took a moment to myself.  Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays.  It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew.  And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew.  That's where I was pregnant.  By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it.  The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door.  I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace.  I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are. 

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one.  I believe it in my heart.

I went to Church!

I went to mass last night. I really couldn't decide what to do, my faith has been challenged and I didn't know what this "Mass for all Souls" would be all about. My granddad Becker passed away this past year also, so my dad and grandmother were already planning on going to St Marks. I was out with Adam and right around 7:30 decided that I should really go. Mass started at 7:30, so I got there right in time for the end of the homily. I used the ‘better late than never’ card.

I am really glad I went. The mass was beautiful. I snuck in and sat next to my Grandmother, who was probably wondering why I was showing up for mass half way through. After the homily was the most beautiful part of the night. St Marks had set candles up at the front of the alter. Two readers then read off the names of each parishioner who passed away within the past year. As each name was read, a candle was lit. Both names, Clarence Becker and Andrew Becker Lederman were read. I am so glad something pulled at my heart and got me to go. The most emotional part was at the end, when all of the candles were lit and the choir sang “On Eagles Wings” and some other song that I can’t remember right now but was really beautiful.  Afterwards the families were able to take a candle. My dad and I went up and he got one for his father and I got one for my son. I was then able to go right out back and leave the candle at Andrews’ special place.

I felt a sense of piece and comfort. It was the first time that I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step towards renewing my faith, my faith that I have thought about more in the past 4 months than any other time in my life. This is a very emotionally draining journey…

Feast of All Souls Day

Today is The Feast of All Souls Day in the Catholic Church.  Masses are said for all those who have departed us.  Andrew will be included in the Mass at Mount Saint Mary's thanks to Auntie Ann.  Andrew will also be included at the Mass at St. Marks where they will say a special prayer for all those who passed away within the past year. 

I'm still working on my faith during this time.  I still don't understand why Adam and I have to go through such heartache.  I've heard all of the answers...God didn't choice for this to happen and such.  But deep down, I still just don't understand.

halloween

Last night we drove out to Aunt K's so Katelyn could go trick-or-treating with her cousins.  On the way there I thought about leaving some candy at Andrews special place.  But then I thought about how he wouldn't be eating candy now anyway, so maybe we could leave something else, but I wasn't sure what.  I asked Adam and he just drove quietly for a bit.  I asked him what he was thinking, fearing he was thinking I was crazy for even wondering what to leave Andrew for Halloween.  When I asked, he looked at me and said "do they make little football costumes"?  He said he was thinking how it would have been fun to dress Andrew as a football and he (Adam) could be a football player, and he would walk around holding Andrew all night.  He then said Katelyn and I could be cheerleaders.  It was definitely a cute thought.  One that left us in reflective silence the rest of the drive there.

miller lite please

Life seemed different then. I could really use a night of dressing up and going out with friends with not a care in the world except what kind of beer to drink. I think I'd keep it simple with a good ol' Miller Lite.