This is My Pace

Blowing a Kiss

2011-11-14T17:28:00.001-05:00

I drove to my parents house in Vienna today. I was dropping off my kids while I went to my Doctors appointment.

On the way to my parents we pass St Marks, where "Andrews special place" is. As we drove by the Church I heard Katelyn make a kissing sound. Everytime I drive by I kiss my hand and put it on my heart as I look out behind the chapel. I realized Katelyn must have picked up on this, because before I kissed my hand, she blew a kiss towards the Church. I asked her what she was doing and she said "sending Andrew a kiss" with a strong "duh mom, what the heck do you think" tone in her voice. Of course, what was I thinking? Over two years later, Katelyn continues suprise me with the ways she shows her love for her first brother.

As for the Doctor, the appt went as planned which is always good news. We took another test for GBS and the results should be in towards the end of the week.

Sharing

2011-11-11T13:01:00.001-05:00

I'm one of those people who have great plans to finish my Holiday shopping early. But for some reason, every year, I end up rushing out in December, fighting crazy (and I mean crazy!) people at the stores, and wrapping on Christmas Eve. Well, not this year my friends!

So, as I prepare, I thought I'd create a page to share some links to stuff I like, perhaps inspiring you to be prepared early too.

If you have stuff you like, send me a link or post the link in the comments section.

Cheers!

Click Here: Stuff I Like

Daycare Changes

2011-11-10T15:38:00.001-05:00

I made the official change today with the preschool this afternoon. Rther than going 4 (sometimes 5) days a week at daycare (paying for 5), we are now signed up part-time, 3 days a week, starting next week.

I feel like this will be a big change for us - my kids will finally get to spend more time at home and I get to be there with them. I'm also hoping it gives me more time to do housework, my house is a mess and it drives me nuts, and more time to just sit around and play. More moments like this...

and this

Now I just have to ask one of my sisters if they can watch my kids on Monday, I have my next Dr. appt. and no daycare!

My Story with Andrew, Part 2...

2011-11-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

I know many of the readers of this blog come from the Baby Loss Directory. Because I am drawn into reading thier stories, I have made another update to mine.

Click here - Uploaded to My Story Page

November 30th

2011-11-09T11:59:00.001-05:00

So, the past few weeks have been exhausting for a few reasons. Mainly because I’m pregnant, right? With my pregnancies comes thyroid issues related to my Graves’ Disease. I smile every time I say Graves’ Disease, I mean seriously, what an awful name for anything.

But, there have also been a lot of changes at work. Things are falling into place, but for a few weeks there were so many things in the air that it left me excited, stressed, sad, and a little bit angry.

I’ve been doing my job – basically all pieces of monthly accounting – AP, AR, purchasing, asset tracking, bank rec, ect – for about 8 years. I started about 2 months after Adam and I got married, so I’ve been there through settling into marriage, buying a townhouse, having a flood, rebuilding, selling the townhouse and living at my parents for 18 months, and buying a house. Not to the mention (now) 4 pregnancies and a great depression. I love my coworkers and most of the time have loved my job.

About 2 years ago we were bought by a larger company and in the beginning of 2011 were bought by Verizon. As you can imagine, Verizon has departments for every task of my job, so I’ve spend the past many months transitioning my pieces into the different departments. So, I find out about 2 weeks ago that my role will be ending November 30th. Holy crap! Not exactly easy to go interview for another job when you’re 4 months pregnant. My options were all over the place. Take another full time role which would be more demanding and time consuming (lets be real – no thank you), become a full time stay at home mother (exciting, scary, and financially stressful), or try to figure out some part time thing. In steps my co-worker who wants to create a roll for me. And that’s where things stand now. I am spending November wrapping up some pieces, going through files, packing or shredding, and waiting…waiting for HR to approve a new role for me. The idea is that I’ll go part time which means more time at home with the kids, which will really be like taking the full time job that’s more demanding and time consuming.

I'm interested to see what December 1st brings, because right now, I have no idea.

Here we go!

2011-10-26T14:59:00.000-04:00

Here we go! I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and Adam and I are so excited. I was feeling great about this pregnancy for the first 12 weeks, thinking this time would be different, this time would be easier. That’s until last week. I realize my need to write is back. It is therapeutic for me, and also a way for me to write down things I want to remember.

With Katelyn and Joseph at home, Adam and I still didn’t feel like our family was complete. So, when one of my sisters called a couple of months ago to tell me she is expecting April 14th, I was so excited to be able to respond with “Really, because I’m due April 30th!”. Out of my 4 pregnancies, this is the 3rd that I’ve gone through with a sibling due within the same month. It’s makes texts messaging much more entertaining. Something like this would not be out of the norm:

Me: Its 6:30, is it too early to go to bed?
Her: I don’t know; I’m too busy focusing on not throwing up.

It’s nice going through a pregnancy with someone, someone who understands how you’re feeling because they are feeling it at the same time. Except one thing, one thing I am so thankful I don’t have to share at all. That’s the damn battle with Group B Strep and my fears that come along with it.

Like I said, this pregnancy was feeling so much easier than Josephs…until last week. That’s when I got a call that I had GBS in my urine. If you know about GBS, you know that this means of the 30% or so pregnant women with GBS, only about 3% have so much that it shows up in the urine. So, I totally freaked out, knowing that as long as it’s there, so is the risk of it getting to the baby. In my previous 3 pregnancies, I was negative at 12 weeks. This time, I am taking Keflex every 6 hours for a week and then being retested. I’m not sure what the plan is after that, but I hate knowing that this battle is there. There are so many risks associated with GBS. As I’ve learned, stillbirth is one of them. If the baby survives an infection, it can lead to blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, and mental retardation. To summarize, GBS sucks.

So, here we go! As my sister says, “Eye on the prize.”

why the break?

2010-11-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have taken a long time off from writing. I know exactly why. I don’t need to go to therapy to figure it out. I was scared of writing about Andrews 1 year anniversary. It was easier to not write about it than to process how I felt about it. It’s hard to put it in writing, but I know what I am thinking. That first year anniversary felt so significant. Like we had made it, and we will be alright. But by saying we’ll be alright, I feel like I am admitting I am at peace with everything. And as I’ve said before, I am not at peace with it. I want him here with us, in my arms. One of the things I keep thinking about is knowing that he was a healthy baby boy. That one infection changed everything. If we had known about it, a simple antibiotic could have saved an entire life.

So, I have decided to start writing again. This blog is my therapy, and I need it. I need a place to write about Andrew. To put my thoughts down. Out of my head and onto paper. It's for me.

It puts a smile on my face every time Katelyn randomly mentions Andrew. I want a place to write those stories, to remember them, so I can reread them and also share them with her when she is older. I’m sure none of this will make total sense to her until she holds her own baby in her arms. Then she will understand how much my heart broke that day in July, and how much she has done for me. How much it means to me when she talks about him, learns from him, and keeps him a part of our lives. I look forward to Joseph learning from Katelyn and Andrew as well.

So, I will write about Andrews first year anniversary. How we honored him. I will then use this blog as a place to write my stories as a mother. A mother with one baby, a piece of me, in heaven.

July 2, 2010

2010-11-14T21:48:00.001-05:00

I was nervous about Andrews 1 year anniversary. I wanted to honor him, do something perfect for him. Many ideas came to mind, but in the end we kept it simple...and it was perfect. As the time grew closer, I got out his memory box. I reread all of the cards I recieved, and held a few pieces of clothes I packed away for him. The hospital gave me a memory box with a hand and foot mold of his, as well as a little bag with some of his hair. His hair. It was perfect. Something physical that I could touch. I treasure that hair.

July 2, 2010, was a Friday. St Marks has a daily morning mass in the Chapel. The mass was being said in Andrews name. I invited my immediate family (which takes up half the chapel). I also invited Nurse Carol, the nurse who helped deliver Andrew and Joseph. A few of my dearest friends, Colleen, Laura, and Christine (Gill) were there as well.

After the mass we all walked to the memorial garden behind the chapel. Father Pat came and said a nice prayer. There were so many times the past year when I thought about the first anniversary, and how, God given, I would be standing there with a healthy baby in my arms. And I was. My Joseph is my little miracle. A true gift from God.

We then all wrote messages on balloons and released them. We brought light blue and dark blue balloons for everyone to release, with cream color balloons from Adam, Katelyn, Joseph and I. Adam also picked up burgendy and gold balloons to send to his little Redskins fan.

Afterwards, we went back to my parents house for a lunch time BBQ. I wanted to use the day to have the cousins play, sit on the back porch, and enjoy each others company. I want to always use July 2 as a day where Adam and I set everything else aside and enjoy time with our family and each other. The weather was perfect, and as the kids played, a white butterfly followed them around. Adam and I seperately noticed this butterfly and talked about it later in the day.

Once everyone left, we took a long nap. That evening we headed to the beach. I felt such a weight off of my shoulders. I had done it. I had made it through the first year.

adjusting well

2010-06-18T12:40:00.000-04:00

I have to say that having Joseph has come with it's own set of emotions. I am so absolutely in love with him. I hate putting him down. I could sit and look at his fingers, toes, little nose, and facial expressions all day long. I look at him and the thought crosses my mind, what if something were to happen to him. Then I think, last time something did happen. Something happened to my other son and he died. I feel all of the emotions a mother feels while holding her newborn, and its all that much more apparent to me what I have missed. Having Joseph has brought more love into our lives, but has not taken away any of the pain of loosing Andrew.

On a different note, Katelyn has adjusted well. She loves her little brother and gets very concerned when he is fussy.

Joseph seems to be adjusting as well. He slept through Katelyn's "parade" the other night, which consist of drums and singing the ABC's as loud as possible.

Joseph James is here!

2010-06-09T15:05:00.000-04:00

I obviously haven't written in a couple of weeks. Last week they pushed the date up and we went into the hospital on Thursday evening.

Joseph James

Born Friday, June 4th, at 12:29 pm.

7 lbs 3 ounces, 20 inches long.

He's beautiful, and I find it difficult to put him down. He is named after both of our maternal grandfathers. It was a very emotional experience, I think much more than the typical delivery. It was such a relief to put this stressful pregnancy behind us and finally hold Joseph in our arms. As much as I tried to keep the deliveries seperate, it was natural to think of Andrew. With both boys, I went in at 36 weeks and delivered at 36.1. Andrew was actually longer at 21 inches, but weighed less at 6 lbs, 11 ounces (I think he lost weight at the end). All 3 kids have the same mouth. It's a lot to process. The freshness of the new love for a newborn made us realize, again, how much we missed. Then you throw in the hormones, and goodness, I'm still a bundle of a mess!

More to come later, I have to get back to holding my baby.

35 week sonogram

2010-05-31T21:19:00.000-04:00

Little guy. 35 week sonogram. May 27, 2010

June 9th

2010-05-29T22:36:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting month. The closer I get to delivery, the more I think about being back at Fair Oaks Hospital. My Doctors have been great. For the past few weeks I have been going in every Monday for a checkup and stress test. Every Thursday I have been going for a biophysical sonogram.

I have an induction date of Weds, June 9th. I will be 1 day shy of 37 weeks. I hope my sanity can last that long. It's hard being at this point, this close to full term. I just want him out.

This past Weds I was put on bed rest until my next appt. I got home from work, felt crummy, and ended up throwing up. I called the Dr, who asked Adam and I meet him at the hospital. It was pretty strange, being back on the L&D wing. When we left, Adam showed me the room where I delievered Andrew. That room was just 2 doors down from where we were on Weds. The door was closed, which is fine for me. I just hope to God it's not because someone else was in there.

31 weeks

2010-04-30T15:41:00.001-04:00

So, I’ve been getting emails for an update. I appreciate the interest. I haven’t been writing much, basically because I am so drained. The Dr told me in the beginning that the last trimester would be the most difficult. She was certainly correct.

First off, Andrew is weighing very heavily on my mind these days. That not to say that he wasn’t before, but in previous months I seemed to be able to get through a day without tears. The tears are back and everything seems more fresh again. I think some of that is the weather. The nice weather reminds me of last summer. All of the mornings I spent at St Marks and afternoons spent at the park trying to keep Katelyn busy. I still ask the question “why” all of the time. I have yet to accept what happened. I am not at peace with it. I want him here.

I’m also having more and more panic attacks. Most are in the middle of the night. I wake up shaking, waiting for some movement from my newest little one. I lay there, concentrating on my breathing in an attempt to calm down. Not to mention by thyroid numbers/graves disease numbers seem to be going down (meaning getting higher!? Why does this thyroid thing seem so confusing) each time I get tested.

On Monday I start my weekly visits. I’ll go every Monday for a checkup and then 20 minute monitoring of the baby. Right now, we’re looking at delivering the 2nd week of June.

I’m also a little concerned how Katelyn is going to react when she realizes that 1) we are not naming the baby Boots and 2) she isn’t really having a baby herself. She’s pretty convinced that I have Boots in my belly and she has Dora. She even listens for Dora’s heartbeat and has me kiss her belly. Katelyn seems to be doing well with her baby weight gain. The other night she said “MOMMY, your belly getting HUUUUUUUGE”. Then she lifted her shirt and said “see mommy, my belly not huge”. As long as she doesn’t point this out after delivery, then I’m okay with it.

GBS negative

2010-04-20T11:53:00.002-04:00

I learned last week that I am currently Group B Strep negative. I will continue the antiobotic once a day until delievery. I will also be checked for GBS at every appointment. It’s weird, one would think that this would be cause for celebration. Of course I’m relieved, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m frustrated with myself, because I still feel just as scared that something is going to happen as I did the day before I found out I am GBS negative. I am aware of every move this little one makes, and every time he doesn’t move. I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out because I haven’t felt him move in a couple of hours. Of course I haven’t, I’ve been sleeping. I am just so scared of that moment, that moment I realized Andrew wasn’t moving. I am this child’s mothers, I am the one carrying him, he is 100% reliant on me. I need to be aware if something starts to go wrong. It’s exhausting.

In Paradise

2010-04-16T13:51:00.000-04:00

Laurin, Brandy, Kiley, you should listen to this...

Eddie from Ohio, Julie Murphy Wells

Lyrics: In Paradise, from Actually Not

I woke up this morning went to pick up the mail. a routine that I always do
probably find bills and catalogues, full of junk I'd never use
as I reached in the box, I felt a sensation
I didn't know what it could be
then I pulled out a card and looked at the postmark it said p.o. cloud 23

dear mommy and daddy, I asked god if he'd let me write a letter to you
he said he felt bad about all of the sad things he was permitted to do
so he took me to peter and he asked him to help me
'cause I was too young to write words
so I climbed on his lap and I leaned over to hear him
and this is what st. peter heard

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

each morning I wake up and the sun it shines brightly and me and the other kids play
we eat lots of pretzels and watch lots of barney and sing-along songs all the day
and at night before bedtime I go visit grandpa who reads me a story or two
then I gather my blanket and lay off to slumber and dream about daddy and you

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I've got to get going st. peter is calling he's gotten a job for me
he says katy you make sure the stars are all lined up
and twinkling as bright as can be
so take comfort together that I'm doing fine
just lay your tears down to rest
my spirit is there and I'll always be with you
remembering two years the best

don't you worry, don't you cry, don't waste the energy wondering why
the reasons are clear, safer here in paradise

I have no idea how to insert a music file, but you can listen to it here...
http://www.amazon.com/Actually-Not-Eddie-Ohio/dp/B00000AE68

High five little guy!

2010-03-31T12:54:00.000-04:00

No GBS in urine. Wow, never thought I’d be excited about such a statement concerning my urine.

I feel relieved. Although we don’t know if there is any GBS in my system, at least we know that the antibiotic is fighting it and my levels have gone down. I will finish this full round and then continue on 1 a day for the rest of the pregnancy. Because the body produces it, you can’t kill it off completely, but we’ll do what we can to keep it suppressed as much as possible. The plan was to get aggressive at 28 weeks. Tomorrow I’ll be 27 weeks, so we won’t let any time lapse. I’ll go in in about a week for a culture to test the levels of GBS in my system. Hopefully they will be down as well.

This little guy is an active one. Every time he gives me a big kick I smile, imagining it his way of giving me a high five (or kick in the a$$) to tell me to chill out, everything will be okay. Little guy, thanks for the smiles. I love you!

I wait.

2010-03-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

I went to the Dr. yesterday so that they could run some test and see if the antibiotic I’m taking for the GBS is working. After 14 days on the previous one, my GBS levels ended up higher than before I started the meds. At this point, it’s estimated I carry more strep than 95% of the woman who actually carry GBS (of pregnancy woman, about 1/3 carry it).

So, I’m scared.

My results won’t come back until ‘maybe tomorrow’ but definitely by Thursday. I’m scared they are going to come back and tell me that this round didn’t work either. All of the pieces are there to cause the same outcome as last time. The difference this time around is that we are aware of it and trying to fight back with meds. I just need the meds to work. I couldn’t sleep, my nerves are going nuts, and it’s the end of the fiscal year at work.

Considering we were bought by a large publically traded company a few months ago and the numbers for the sale aren’t complete, this is the not best time for my “glass half empty” attitude. My mind is on the bigger picture in life. Not how to handle a customer credit that was issued after the sale of the company for revenue that was recognized before the sale.

So, I wait. I wait until I hear back with the results.

Mount St Mary's

2010-03-26T16:18:00.000-04:00

A couple of weekends ago Adam, Katelyn, and I went to Mount Saint Mary's for a basketball game. My 3 older sisters went to The Mount, and I did for a 1 1/2 years before transfering to JMU. I still like visiting, I think it's a beautiful campus. We got there early and had time to walk The Grotto. Apparently, I had no memory of The Grotto. All I remembered was the Virgin Mary that you can see from a distance.

So, the three of us walked the path that leads to the actual Grotto. It's a very spiritual place, you can't help but feel religious when you're there. They have candles you can light inside The Grotto. We lit a candle for Andrew. It was actually pretty moving.

We then went to the Basketball game where Katelyn told me "mommy, you like basketball, I like hockey like daddy". Even though it wasn't hockey, I think she still had a good time. I know I did.

Group B Strep 101

2010-03-25T10:54:00.002-04:00

Sepsis, meningitis, pneumonia, stillborn, blindness, deafness, mental retardation, cerebal palsy

I've been reading way too much about GBS on the internet lately. It weighs heavily on my mind these days. What frustrates me is people’s lack of knowledge about it. Granted it's rare for complications to arise, when they do, they can be very serious with lifelong complications, or death. This one girl wrote about how her Dr prescribed her an antibiotic during her pregnancy but she didn't take it because she thought it was "no big deal". I still feel annoyed when I think about that post.

So, to make myself feel better, I thought I'd throw some GBS education out there...

“Group B Strep is a bacterium that causes life-threatening infections in newborns. GBS most commonly causes infection in the blood (sepsis), the fluid and lining of the brain (meningitis), and lungs (pneumonia). It can cause babies to be miscarried, stillborn, or die after being born. Some GBS survivors have permanent handicaps such as blindness, deafness, mental retardation, and cerebral palsy.” Link 1 below

There, does that sound like "no big deal"?

GBS is a bacterium that your body naturally produces. There is nothing you can do about it, other than to treat with antibiotics when it shows up. Even then, once done with treatment, your body can naturally produce more. Normally, GBS is not a threat to the newborn until labor and birth. After the water breaks, the baby is most at risk of becoming exposed. Some babies might appear fine for a few days, and then develop late-onset GBS. Please, if you have a newborn who is sick, call the Dr immediately! It can take their life within 24 hours.

For some woman, the GBS can travel through the membrane walls and get to the baby well before labor begins. "Many Group B Strep germs also make special molecules that can dissolve through the cervix, or the mucin between the vagina and the cervix. Many of these germs also make toxins, which can damage the baby and the placenta before birth." I quote this from an interesting article, GROUP B STREP: A Patient/Provider Approach for Optimizing Care. Link 2 below

In addition, a mother can become seriously sick if the GBS gets to parts of the body that it shouldn't. When I delivered Andrew, my uterus was inundated with GBS and my fever shot up to 106 within minutes. If not treated properly, this can be deadly to the mother as well.

GBS is serious. And I ever hear anyone I know say it’s "no big deal", you better watch out, I'll be coming after you.

~~---------------------------------------------------------------------------~~
Link 1 - http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/info_main.html

Link 2 - http://www.obgyn.net/women/women.asp?page=/pb/articles/gbs_part1

gbs update

2010-03-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

I heard from the Dr’s office yesterday. My latest round of tests show that I have Group B Strep. This time it showed up in the urine. Of pregnant woman who carry GBS, only about 5% “are so heavily colonized that Group B Strep can be cultured from the mother's urine”. In other words, more than I had before. So, I started a new antibiotic today. The last one I was on upset my stomach so much that by day 10, I was throwing up. For most women, a positive GBS culture would mean antibiotics at delivery. That’s when the baby is at risk. For the few “special cases”, GBS can pass through the membrane walls and into the amniotic sac. That’s what happened with Andrew. GBS got to Andrew and the placenta, he couldn’t fight it, it turned into GBS Sepsis, and he passed away. I feel like right now, even as I sit and type this, I am at the same risk. I sit here, GBS positive, with a history of GBS passing through the membrane walls causing a stillbirth. As much as the antibiotic makes me want to throw up, I can’t wait to take the next dose.

her little mind

2010-03-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

I was talking to Katelyn about the new baby the other evening. She's been through a pregnancy with me before, she's heard all the talk about a little baby brother coming. I'm curious how her little mind works. So I said "you know Katelyn, when baby is born he's going to come home and live with us. Won't that be exciting?" She said "no, baby come out but he not come home". I wonder if that's what her little mind thinks. After all, that is what happened last time.

St Patricks Day

2010-03-18T20:55:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we went to St Marks. Katelyn picked something out for Andrew when we were in Disneyworld last month and I didn't want to leave it at his special place until the snow melted. We took home the sled and snowman that decorated his place most of the winter.

Katelyn shook up snowglobe and put it in place.

We also left an Irish cross, it was St Patricks day after all!

She then climbed up next to the niche and played with the little Caps zambodie that we left there. It was precious. To me, it was like watching them play together. Him sharing his toy with her. She pushed it around as if she were driving it all over his niche.

It made me smile.

nightowl

2010-03-03T11:36:00.001-05:00

Adam and I have a nightowl. Seriously, our girl does not go to bed at a normal time. She's not cranky and acting tired at night, she's still happy and playful. Just not tired! My dad captured this picture last night. Adam and I were in the basement watching Lost, thinking that Katelyn was actually in bed for the night. We were wrong.

Does she look tired to you?

anxiety?

2010-03-02T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am feeling like a big mess these days, a bundle of anxiety. I need some serious xanax. My stomach is in knots, I don’t sleep well, and am full of nervous energy, constantly shaking my legs to try to release some. The worst part is feeling like my heart is beating out of my chest. My heart rate is up and I’m having heart palpations. I had a follow-up with the thyroid Dr yesterday. He called me today and said that my levels were still high but not any worse than last time. The heart palps could be from three things. Thyroid, pregnancy, or anxiety. When he called today he said he does not think it’s the thyroid. I’m thinking anxiety. Obviously the baby is my top concern, where my mind and energy are focused. But, there are other things that could cause some minor stress. Adam and I are still at my parents house. Adam is looking for a job and until he has one, we won’t be moving. We have about 3 months until baby comes, and we don’t know where we will be living in 3 months. If we move, that brings the work associated with a move. If we don’t, all of our baby stuff is in not-accessible storage. On top of that, my company is moving offices in the next 3 months or so. With all of that means a new daycare. If you’ve ever had to leave you’re baby with someone who starts out as essentially a stranger, you know how difficult the daycare search can be.

The other evening, my sister Mary K and I talked about summer time. We talked about how in late summer things will *hopefully* be figured out. Adam will have a job, we’ll have a place to live, daycare will be figured out, and our newest bundle of joy will be in my arms. Oh yeah, and I’ll be a able to drink beer again. What a sweet sweet thought.

an afternoon with Andrew

2010-02-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

The night I delivered Andrew, I was pretty out of it. I was still in shock, drugged up, tired, emotional, and sick. After delivering I spiked a high fever, got the shakes and pretty much passed out. Once I got home the next day, I didn’t feel good about the time I got the spend with Andrew. I wanted to see him again. This time without a fever, without drugs and not in the middle of the night.

I had to hold him, rock him, and sing him a lullaby. I just had to. He’s my baby and I couldn’t let him go without ever doing those things. So my parents and Adam worked with the funeral home to make sure I could see him again. After the autopsy, Adam and I went to Murphy’s Funeral Home in Falls Church. We spent a couple of hours there one afternoon. We were in a quiet room with a couch. I got to hold him, head on my shoulder, chest on my chest. I rocked and sang him a song. I told him that that’s how we were supposed to take naps together. I kissed him and held his hand. Adam held him too, as if he was sitting on the couch watching football together. Adam then gave me time alone with Andrew. It was beautiful. I cherish those moments in my heart and am so glad the funeral home helped arrange them. They had never done that and weren’t sure, realistically, how Andrew would look. He was dressed in an outfit we had given them, a little green newborn outfit that Katelyn had also warn. He looked beautiful, like a peaceful sleeping baby. Some days I ache for that afternoon again. To be able to hold him one more time. Sing him one more song. That afternoon has given me so much peace, memories I will hold in my heart until I can see Andrew again. Maybe next time he’ll laugh at my singing, much like Katelyn does today.

This is a picture of the urn we picked out that afternoon for Andrew

gbs

2010-02-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

My Doctor, Dr Zaita, called me Monday. I am now GBS positive. She has put me on a 2 week prescription of an antibiotic. Starting around 28 weeks, I will then most likely go on 1 a day as a suppressant. I have noticed that since learning that, my mood has changed. I’m definitely more stressed, scared, and emotional. Yesterday, while driving home with Katelyn, I started crying. I try to hide this from her, but she doesn’t miss anything these days. She said “why you sad mommy? You want daddy too?” (She always tells me “I want daddy”). Dr. Zaita keeps telling me that the further along I get, the more emotional I’ll be. I’d have to say that so far, she’s right.

February 21, 2010

2010-02-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

My dad took this picture on Sunday. I don't know where he found a cup, but he did and created all of the little snow, um, things. What would you call those? You can see the Washington Caps Zamboni that my dad picked out for Andrew when we went to a Caps game recently. Katelyn left the little snowman. Adam, Katelyn and I had gone on Saturday and Adam made a mini-yet-real snowman, which had apparently melted and falled over by Sunday. We sure do miss our little guy.

21 week appt

2010-02-18T14:32:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment yesterday morning. The routine monthly checkup. They did all of the regular checkup stuff, like weight and blood pressure. Then she did some non-routine stuff. She ran another full set of cultures, the ones they run at 12 weeks (plus some extras – 14 total tests). I’m most interested to hear if I’m GPS negative or positive. I’ll find out next Monday. I always feel so much better after an appointment. They’re checkpoints for me. Okay, I made it to this point. Things look good. Now to make it to the next appointment. My Dr is amazing too, really understanding of my situation. In fact, she spent a lot of time at this appointment asking about depression and anxiety. How I thought I was doing emotionally, and how Adam thinks I’m doing. Overall, I think I’m doing pretty good at this point. Ask me again when I’m in the third trimester.

party of 5

2010-02-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

The first night we were at Disney we watched the firework show in Magic Kingdom. First off, what is it about those cheesy Disney songs that are so darn catchy? I love them, they make me want to dance down Main Street. Okay, not really. Okay, really. Maybe a little.

Anyway, the fireworks were great. Katelyn sat on Adams shoulders and I stood next to them. As I stood there, I started to rub my belly, something I do a lot of when I’m pregnant. I don’t know why, it’s subconscious, like rocking when you’re holding a baby. As I stood there rubbing my belly, I thought of the little boy growing inside of me. I then put my other hand on my heart, and thought of my little boy who lives there every day. And I couldn’t help but stand there, thinking of us as a family of five. In my heart, that’s what we are. A family of five. One girl, two boys.

I found that thought so interesting. To anyone looking at us from the outside, anyone who sees how we live our daily lives, we are a family of three. Dad, mom, and daughter. But in my heart, we’re a party of five.

disney

2010-02-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

We did it. We went to Disneyworld, had a great time, enjoyed every minute of being together, and came back exhausted...which I suppose if you do Disneyworld correctly, then exhausted is the only way to be. For Adam and I, our favorite part was watching Katelyns reactions to everything.

More to come later...

It's a....

2010-02-04T12:01:00.000-05:00

We had our sonogram this morning. I didn't sleep well and was super nervous going into it. I just had to see the baby. I had to see the baby moving. I had to see the heartbeat. I saw all of that and feel so much better. Everything looks great and I can breath easier.

It goes without saying that the best part was hearing...and seeing...that everything looks good.

So, here's our little one...

Our Little Boy!

thyriod

2010-02-02T10:11:00.009-05:00

Early last week my Dr called me and said that my thyroid numbers were off. She said they off in the first trimester, which can be normal, but got worse during the second trimester tests she had just run. She referred me to a thyroid Dr, who saw me on Tuesday. I went to my appointment where he took tons of blood and then did a sonogram of the thyroid. I found that part pretty funny. I have layed on a table next to a sonogram many times before. So there I was, laying with my feet on the extra pull out when he stuck a pillow under my neck and proceeded to examine my thyroid. Really, it was pretty funny.

So, on Friday, I am sitting at work when I receive a call at 10:00 am. It’s the 'thyroid office'. The receptionist tells me that the results are in and the Dr would like to see me…could I be there by 11:00? Clearly she does not understand my current state of mind. I got to the office and the Dr called me back. He sat me down in his office, took a deep breath, and said “so, you have Grave’s Disease”. My response, “Good Lord, what is THAT!?” He told me it’s basically a hyperthyroid at which point I told him it needs a different name. He told me that it’s not pregnancy related but genetic, that’s its actually more under control when I’m pregnant because of the way the immune system changes. He said that it will most likely get worse about 2-3 months after I give birth.

We talked in length about how it can affect the baby if it gets worse during the pregnancy. They will continue to monitor my levels and decide at what point, if any, I need to be treated. If my levels get worse, then it can affect the babies thyriod, which can affect the babies growth. Throughout the rest of the pregnancy, they will do sonograms of the babies thyroid. I don’t know how, I am still amazed at how Dr’s read sonograms, but again, I just have to trust that they can.

Next appointment, our detailed sonogram on Thursday. I’m already nervous.

faith

2010-01-29T14:52:00.000-05:00

So, the evening of my freak out moment, my Dr called me. She called around 5:00, and I know the office closes at 4:30. She knew I was nervous and wanted to have time to go over GBS (again) with me and answer all of my questions. It was really nice talking to her and I feel much better about things now.

At the end of the conversation she told me not to worry about the GBS. To just go to the sonogram next week and see the baby and let them look at everything they need to look at. My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered that I also have all the NORMAL worries that go along with pregnancy.

I'm realizing that as much as my faith has been tested, I have to have it. I have to have faith that everything will be okay. I need to trust in God. Because I am quickly realizing that I can't handle all of this stress and the emotions on my own. I need God in my life.

freak out

2010-01-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

So, today was the first time I had a freak out moment. I mean a real freak out about this pregnancy. I started to get scared about the GBS. At my last test I was still negative. My next test isn't for 3 more weeks. I started to wonder at what point I became positive with both Katelyn and Andrew, and at what point I might become positive this time around. If I turned positive since my last test am I just walking around at risk?

I called my Dr and she was able to answer my questions. Of course I didn't understand everything she was saying but after I understood as much as I thought I would, I told her that I trust her and just have to believe in what she is telling me. I do trust her, but it's hard to put all of your trust into something like this. I felt better after my call with her. We will still wait until my appointment in 3 weeks. She explained that even if I become positive at this point, it can't get to the baby like it can in the 3rd trimester because of positioning, the cervix, and whatever else she explained.

My nerves are settled, kind of, for now.

laughing, yelling, and running

2010-01-22T10:06:00.004-05:00

Last night my sister Mary K came over with her kids. We watched a video that she made for my parents for Christmas this past year. She did an amazing job. It’s a video, set to some great songs, of pictures she took throughout the year. These pictures are off all of the grandchildren (with some the ‘adults’ in there as well). It’s in chronological order, so in the middle of the video, when she gets to July, there is a segment for Andrew. It shows a few of the NILMDTS pictures. It’s beautiful. But every time I watch it, I think about all he will be missing out on. I’m glad she put it in there; he was a huge part of this past year and of our family. But it’s sad. I see all of the grandchildren growing together and loving each other. The way they play and have so many good times with each other. And I think about how Andrew will miss it all. Some say he’ll still be there, a part of those family moments. I know he will be, but not in the way I want. I want him to be growing with them, laughing, yelling, and running. He’s not there, and I still don’t understand why.

any given day

2010-01-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

I titled this blog 'any given day' because I could write it any day. There's nothing special about today, this is how I feel everyday...

The thought that I can't stop repeating in my head these days is that Andrew should be here. He should be here. He was a healthy baby boy. Not only did a full autopsy and genetic tests tell me that, but I know it in my heart. I know that he was a healthy baby. He was so active too. I would often tell my co-workers that I was getting beat up. All of the kicking and moving around. I loved it. It's hard knowing that he was healthy and a simple antiobotic could have saved his life. That one infection could take his entire life. If only I had known something was wrong. It was my job to take care of him and I didn't even know he needed my help. Andrew, I'm sorry. If I had known you needed something, I would have done whatever I could to help you. But, I know you know that. I know that you know how much I love you.

another appointment

2010-01-18T19:21:00.000-05:00

I had another appointment today. I seem to feel so emotional whenever I walk into the Dr's office. It's like a rush of hormones or something. I held back the urge to start crying the whole time I was there. Not necessarily happy or sad tears. Tears from a rush of emotions. I didn't cry though, I did okay. Everything seems good so far. I heard the heartbeat, which obviously brings so much comfort. I left with my referral for the 20 week sonogram. It's scheduled for February 4th. I say I'm not sure about finding out the sex, but I'm pretty sure when the time comes, we'll do it.

our new reality

2010-01-15T10:10:00.000-05:00

It's been really windy around here recently. About a week ago, I was sitting at work and thought of the glass Christmas tree we had left at Andrews niche. I got worried that it would blow over and break. I called Adam, who was in Vienna, and asked him to stop by St Marks and bring the tree home. He went, picked up the tree, and left the sled because it is now weighed down with a block of ice.

I sat at my desk thinking about our new life and how we take care of each of our children. It was as if I called and asked him to stop at the store and pick up some juice for Katelyn. (okay, maybe it's not THAT simple), but it was the same concept. This is our new reality. St Marks is Andrews special place and we will take care of that for him just as we will take care of Katelyns needs. It's hard to put into words, but I definitely felt it. We are settling into our new reality.

Andrews special place on Christmas day.

different this time

2010-01-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

This pregancy is very different than my first two. I am scared, nervous, and very cautiously excited. I go back and forth about growing attached to the baby.

Sometimes I think I don't want to find out the sex. I try not to get excited. I don't want to grow attached, risk going through the same level of heartache.

Other times I want to get attached as possible. I think about getting a 3d sonogram and recording it. I would love to have that of Andrew. I know Andrew was alive and well. I felt him all of the time. I would love to have that sonogram video so that others can see him alive as well.

All I do know is that pregnancy feel very different that the other two.

NEWS

2010-01-09T21:09:00.000-05:00

Heres some news for you. I'm pregnant! Holy moly, I'm one nutcase these days. Even crazier than me being pregnant is my due date...July 2...the same day I delievered Andrew. My mom says thats a sign from Andrew. I know he's okay with it, he wants us to be happy.

I'm almost 4 months and just now allowing myself to get excited. I've had my first Group B Strep test, which came back negative. They will continue to test me weekly. I told them that I didn't need to know the whole plan...I just need to know whatever I need to know to get to my next appointment. If I try to think about it all at once, I get scared and anxious.

I told Adam if he thinks I was crazy with the first two pregnancy, he needs to get ready, who knows what I'll be like this time around.

Merry Christmas

2010-01-07T21:19:00.001-05:00

I didn't do a Christmas card this year. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't think I should send a card just because I thought I should. I'm not ready to send out a picture of just the 3 of us, or just Katelyn. I wasn't sure how I wanted to sign the card. I didn't know what to write. So, I decided to not worry about it and just not do it.

I was also thinking about what a Christmas letter would read like from us.

Hello Friends,

2009, what a year. We hope yours was better than ours. Adam last his job. We sold our house. We put offers on 7 different homes and didn't get any of them. We closed on our house, packed up, threw everything in storage and moved into my parents house. We stopped looking for a home for the winter because I'm emotionally drained. My company, where I've worked for almost 6 years got sold in November. I went from a comfy small company of 17 to a large international company who's services I don't understand. My job duties are getting transfered to Florida (I did our accounting and now we have an accounting department in Miami). Oh, and we're trying to potty train.

All this while dealing with the loss of Andrew. The most difficult, depressing, emotional experience we have ever faced.

The good news? The Dr put me on zoloft.

Happy New Year!
Love, The Ledermans

quality family fun time

2010-01-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

We did it, we finally planned a trip to Disneyworld. Other than our honeymoon, Adam and I have never gone on a real vacation other than visiting my parents beach house or his parents house in Vermont. I've wanted to go somewhere - somewhere fun, different, and exciting, somewhere on an airplane - for a very long time.

After we lost Andrew I decided that we just need to do it. There's more to life than work, chores, errands, and visits to the neighborhood park. I feel like this trip is in honor of Andrew. He got us to really do it. Drop everything and head out for some quality family fun time. We booked our flights last night and will be heading to Orlando February 7 for a week. And I'm not worried about leaving Andrew behind...I know he'll be with us.

Sean

2010-01-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

I am one of 5 kids. My oldest sister, Ann, has 4 children. Her oldest, Sean, has Angelman Syndrome, "a genetic disorder which causes severe developmental delay. The most striking symptoms are mental retardation, seizures, a severe speech disorder (in most cases, lack of speech), and gross and fine motor difficulties".

Sean is currently in the hospital with seizures. This certainly is not the first time he has been in for seizures, but it is after the longest period since the last visit. Sean went about a 1 1/2 years without an episode like he is experiencing right now. Please say some prayers for this little guy.

my little beach bum

2010-01-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

It makes me happy that my daughter loves the beach as much as I do. She tells us all the time "I want to go to beach house".

There's something about the beach that brings me a sense of peace. The coast, standing right there on the edge of land and water, gives me such a visual of God's wonder. It helps me remember that there is a greater power, something that makes the world work. I need that reminder these days.

So, today we came to Bethany. As soon as we got to town, Katelyn and I wanted to head to the beach. Granted it was 30 degrees and windy, we still had fun. I love my little beach bum.

Happy 3rd Birthday Katelyn!

2009-12-29T16:45:00.000-05:00

Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet Katelyn! We love you!

three years

2009-12-28T20:50:00.001-05:00

Three years ago today I was in labor. All day. Katelyn wasn't born until after midnight, so her birthday is tomorrow, but I remember being in labor all day, the 28th. It's amazing what having a child can do to you, becoming a parent. I don't need to get into how thankful I am for Katelyn, and just how much I love her, I know that she knows.

What I am thinking about on this birthday is how innocent I was, assuming that I made it that far, I would be going home with baby in hand. I was Group B Strep positive with Katelyn. When I went into labor the Dr gave me an IV antibiotic to prevent her from getting GBS during delivery. That was that, I didn't think about it again.

Goodness, was I naive!!!

I had no idea just how dangerous and scary GBS can be. I had no idea that it would take the life of my next child. I had no idea. I had no idea.

Have I lost my mind?

2009-12-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

For Christmas Katelyn, Adam and I left a glass Christmas tree at Andrews niche. Katelyn helped us decorate it with some ribbon and on Christmas eve we lit an led candle inside, leaving it with a soft glow. On Christmas eve I took some pictures on my dads camera for my family. When looking through the pictures, I was stuck on one. I sent out an e-mail to my family, "does anyone else see a baby's face in the tree". What do you think...under the green "Christmas" on the ribbon? Have I lost my mind? (when I took these pictures, Katelyn and Adam had already walked off. There was no one around me)

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T12:43:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas my sweet Angel Andrew. I'm sure you celebrating with Granddad Murphy and Granddad Becker and all of your little angel friends. We love you.

the hug

2009-12-15T12:15:00.000-05:00

Last night I was laying with Katelyn, who was sound asleep. I love watching her sleep. Many times I hold her hand, kiss her cheek, and just watch her sleep. One time recently she rolled over, gave me a "what the heck are you doing waking me up" look, handed me a good slap across the face, and rolled back over to sleep. I can't blame her, I hate being woken up.

But last time, while she was sound asleep, she rolled over, put her forehead against mine, threw her arm over me in a hug, and smiled. She then rolled back over. It was the first time I wondered if it was a hug from Andrew. Maybe he was using Katelyn in some way to give me that much needed hug.

chicken drawing

2009-12-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

Two steps forward, one step back. That seems to be me these days. The Holidays are more upsetting than I expected. Thanksgiving didn't have the usual feeling...the cozy, warmth in the heart, everything is good kind of feeling. It just wasn't there for me this year. And what to be thankful for? Well, 2009 has not been our year for many reasons. I'd say I'm most thankful that it's almost a new year.

We went to St Marks and left Katelyn's Turkey-hand drawing. A couple days later it was really windy and I was commenting about things blowing around. She said "uh oh, my chicken drawing blow away!" She can always put a smile on my face.

It didn't blow away. I brought it back home with us just the other day.

included in the Holidays

2009-11-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

I would love to hear ways that other mothers are including thier "Heavenly Babies" in the Holidays. I want to do something to include Andrew. I have some ideas, but haven't planned anything out. Thoughts? Suggestions? Things you already do? Please help me with some ideas.

Thanks, Kerry msm2jmu@aol.com

beautiful CD

2009-11-20T11:56:00.000-05:00

I bought a new CD recently, something I rarely do. It's a Christian CD, again something I rarely do. But it's beautiful.

"Beauty will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman. "This entire album is written in response to losing his daughter in that tragic accident on May 21st 2008." Steven lost his young daughter and he wrote these songs during his journey of grief.

Here are some lyrics to one of the songs "Heaven is the Face"

Heaven is the face of a little girl

With dark brown eyes

That disappear when she smiles

Heaven is the place

Where she calls my name

Says, “daddy please come play with me for awhile”

It's not my usual type of music, but I love these songs. If you listen to any of them, I would recommend having some tissues nearby.

the day i met my son

2009-11-19T10:26:00.001-05:00

I love this picture. I love that I am smiling in awe of the beauty of my son. It helps me remember that through all of the heartache, July 2, 2009 is also the day I met my son. The day that I held him, kissed him, rocked him, and was simply with him.

surface

2009-11-18T13:04:00.000-05:00

Some days are just hard. I love reading blogs of other mothers who understand. Understand that there is no getting over such an experience. I often wonder if others, who have not experienced this pain, wonder when I will be able to move on. Stop dwelling on what happened and refocus. I don't know when that time will come, but it sure hasn't come yet. The other night as I layed in bed one small tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't even know it was there, right on the surface. I feel like that's my life these days. At any minute I could let the tears flow. They are so close to the surface. But I try not to during the day. I try to stay busy. Until I go to bed. That's when I lay and think about Andrew the most. I think about Andrew and how how different my life should be these days. I really really miss my little guy.

random thought

2009-11-13T10:51:00.002-05:00

I wonder if people would think of my situation differently if Andrew had lived or a minute, an hour, or a day. Where is that line that makes a different…between losing your baby before birth or shortly after birth? To me, it doesn’t exist. To others, I’m sure it does and I’m curious where. I was reading about a mother whose son lived for 3 minutes. That included a heartbeat and breathing. Yet her son is considered a stillborn by her State. In other words, her son was not issued a birth certificate. I suppose if your child lives for a few minutes, then you don’t experience the scary silence in the room and go through the experience…of which there are no words to describe…of delivering your baby who has already passed away. The limp body, the mouth open, the red lips, and more than anything, the silence. But if your baby does live, you may experience such an extreme opposite. Franticness, nurses, Drs, machines, wires. Such different arrivals, yet in the end, we all go home without our babies. When I read blogs written by other mothers, I realize the emotional journey is so similar. Yet I wonder if people on the outside look at the situations very differently.

Just some random thoughts.

my prayer

2009-11-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd share my prayer. As much as I have been questioning all of my beliefs, I never stopped praying. Katelyn and I say our prayers (almost) every night. I asked her what she's thankful for that day and it's always something different. Sometimes mommy and daddy. Sometimes random cousins, an aunt, an uncle, a pretty day, and recently her Dora phone. We always ask God to watch over Andrew and make sure he's happy and safe.

I also have a special prayer that I don't say with Katelyn. I found something similiar online after loosing Andrew.

"God, I always thought I would hold my son on my lap and tell him about you. Now I'm asking if you will hold him on your lap and tell him about me"

July

2009-11-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

Some days I'm sad because I'm trying to learn how to keep Andrew a part of our lives. I focus on how to include him and how to be his mother with him in Heaven and me here.

And other days, like today, I am sad because I think about those first few days in July. I look at pictures from the hospital and remember so many of the emotions. I think I was mainly numb. Shocked. Still trying to process everything going on. I look at the pictures from my dads camera. They aren't the edited ones from NILMDTS that are so beautiful and soft. They more like the raw, unedited version of a film. But they're good for me to look at, to remember what it was really like.

container store

2009-11-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

I think I may have found something. I've been looking or a container, something small, clear, and with a lid, that we could leave at Andrews spot. Something that we could put things in that we want to keep dry from the rain. It's okay if something gets wet, but a lid to at least hold most of the rain away. I've looked at Michaels and online and couldn't seem to find the right container. Then, it came to me. So simple. The little clear containers at the Container Store. I plan on heading there and trying out a few different sizes. One that could fit a little race car would be great.

I share this for mothers out there who might be in the same situation. I'll let you know how it works out.

the shell

2009-11-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

I've been looking for signs from Andrew since I lost him. I used to question all of the 'signs from the other side' talk and thought I was going crazy when I tried looking for signs. People told me they would come if I look.  Through a breeze in the wind, a butterfly at the park, a bird in the yard. I just didn't understand and as much as I tried to look for signs, I just wasn't feeling it in my heart.

Until recently.

As I've written about before, Katelyn and I spent a lot of time at the beach this summer collecting shells to bring back to Andrews special place. Each time we visit, she leaves some new shells and takes 1 or 2 home with her. There is one particular shell that we had left for Andrew then Katelyn took back home with us a couple weeks later. It's part of a broken shell, a unique shape.

When we made the final trip to our home last week to collect the last few random items, we brought Katelyn with us.  Katelyn found this shell! As we brought things out to the car, this shell kept getting moved around, never making it into a box. As I cleaned up, this shell kept showing up. Then, as we said goodbye to the house, Adam brought Katelyn out to the car. I took a moment to myself. Standing in the front door, looking back into the house, I was overwhelmed by the memories.  The typical weekday evenings, the parties, the football Sundays. It was the home we brought Katelyn home to and the home we went home to without Andrew. And I know it sounds strange, but I felt like it was the only home Andrew knew. That's where I was pregnant. By leaving it, would he know where to find us?

As I went to close the door, I saw it. The shell!  It was there, the very last thing in the house, laying on the carpet near the front door. I grabbed it, held on tight, and felt a sense of peace. I knew that leaving the house would be okay.  Andrew was using that shell, he was behind it somewhere using it to tell me that it was okay to go, that he will be us where ever we are.

I still may not understand the signs I'm looking for, but I know this was one. I believe it in my heart.

I went to Church!

2009-11-03T14:35:00.001-05:00

I went to mass last night. I really couldn't decide what to do, my faith has been challenged and I didn't know what this "Mass for all Souls" would be all about. My granddad Becker passed away this past year also, so my dad and grandmother were already planning on going to St Marks. I was out with Adam and right around 7:30 decided that I should really go. Mass started at 7:30, so I got there right in time for the end of the homily. I used the ‘better late than never’ card.

I am really glad I went. The mass was beautiful. I snuck in and sat next to my Grandmother, who was probably wondering why I was showing up for mass half way through. After the homily was the most beautiful part of the night. St Marks had set candles up at the front of the alter. Two readers then read off the names of each parishioner who passed away within the past year. As each name was read, a candle was lit. Both names, Clarence Becker and Andrew Becker Lederman were read. I am so glad something pulled at my heart and got me to go. The most emotional part was at the end, when all of the candles were lit and the choir sang “On Eagles Wings” and some other song that I can’t remember right now but was really beautiful. Afterwards the families were able to take a candle. My dad and I went up and he got one for his father and I got one for my son. I was then able to go right out back and leave the candle at Andrews’ special place.

I felt a sense of piece and comfort. It was the first time that I feel like I took a step in the right direction. A step towards renewing my faith, my faith that I have thought about more in the past 4 months than any other time in my life. This is a very emotionally draining journey…

Feast of All Souls Day

2009-11-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

Today is The Feast of All Souls Day in the Catholic Church. Masses are said for all those who have departed us. Andrew will be included in the Mass at Mount Saint Mary's thanks to Auntie Ann. Andrew will also be included at the Mass at St. Marks where they will say a special prayer for all those who passed away within the past year.

I'm still working on my faith during this time. I still don't understand why Adam and I have to go through such heartache. I've heard all of the answers...God didn't choice for this to happen and such. But deep down, I still just don't understand.

halloween

2009-11-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

Last night we drove out to Aunt K's so Katelyn could go trick-or-treating with her cousins. On the way there I thought about leaving some candy at Andrews special place. But then I thought about how he wouldn't be eating candy now anyway, so maybe we could leave something else, but I wasn't sure what. I asked Adam and he just drove quietly for a bit. I asked him what he was thinking, fearing he was thinking I was crazy for even wondering what to leave Andrew for Halloween. When I asked, he looked at me and said "do they make little football costumes"? He said he was thinking how it would have been fun to dress Andrew as a football and he (Adam) could be a football player, and he would walk around holding Andrew all night. He then said Katelyn and I could be cheerleaders. It was definitely a cute thought. One that left us in reflective silence the rest of the drive there.

miller lite please

2009-10-30T11:31:00.003-04:00

Life seemed different then. I could really use a night of dressing up and going out with friends with not a care in the world except what kind of beer to drink. I think I'd keep it simple with a good ol' Miller Lite.

missing my little guy

2009-10-29T14:46:00.000-04:00

I may look the same on the outside, but my heart has been broken. I will live the rest of my life with a void, knowing something, someone is missing. A piece of my heart is empty and can only be filled when I hold Andrew again. Somedays are easier than others, but not a single day goes by without thinking of my little guy. I miss you Andrew and simply wish you were here.

the flood

2009-10-28T15:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow at 12:15 we will officially be selling our first home. In doing so, I took some time to look through some old pictures. Last summer (as in 2008) went away for 3 days. While we were gone a pipe burst in the upstairs bathroom and water flowed through the house. The entire middle floor of our house was ruined, and as I walked into the basement, I saw part of the ceiling on the floor. Every piece of carpet was replaced in the house, many walls were torn down and rebuilt, and the kitchen was torn down to the studs. We grabbed some dry clothes, headed to the parents, and moved back home 3 months later.

The basement ceiling...

Starting the drying process on the middle floor...

All the carpet torn up and starting the drying process in the basement...

Our cozy family room during the rebuild...

This is the kitchen looking into the family room...connected by a kitchen counter and sink...

Kitchen wall drying out...

More of the kitchen...

New walls!...

All put back together...

As my dad would say, "just another ~~bump~~ bolder on the road of life"

new adventure

2009-10-26T08:52:00.000-04:00

Movers are coming today. I'd post pictures, but even though the camera is out, the usb cord is packed. I'm nervous about the move. This home holds many many memories. Some good, some not so good, but all make me who I am today. We brought Katelyn home to this home, and we grieved for Andrew in this home. We fixed up a lot of rooms, had a flood, and then rebuilt again. In this home Adam and I grew as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. Thank you Eustis Street. Today starts a new adventure...

packing packing packing

2009-10-24T14:03:00.000-04:00

We are packing up our house this weekend. All of it in one weekend. That's not fun. Katelyn spent the night at grandmom and granddads last night and will be heading to K's tonight. She's called a few times and said "Hi mommy, I talk to daddy peas". I say "do you want to talk to me?" She says "I talk to daddy peas". It's okay, I know she loves me.

We packed up Andrews room this morning. It was the first room we did. I had Adam come sit with me and we looked at each outfit that was hanging in the closet. I took all of his special stuff and loaded it in a bin to take with me to my parents house. I don't want to put it in storage, I need it all close to me.

I best get back to packing. I came downstairs to take a break and watch some of the Purdue game. Go Boilers! Apparently I'm not the only one in the house wanting to take a break and watch Purdue. There's an empty bowl of popcorn and an empty glass where Adam was sitting.

the patio

2009-10-23T11:20:00.000-04:00

It's hitting me rather quickly and with force that we are moving. These emotions came out of no where. Well, I am rather emotionally unstable these days, but I thought I'd be fine with the move. More than any room in our house, I am going to miss the patio out back. My dad and I fixed up our backyard a couple of years ago. We did it together by hand. It was a great bonding time, I enjoyed every minute of it...even when my dad wanted to start EARLY on Saturday mornings. The whole patio project started because I knew I wanted to hang a swing for Katelyn. If you know my dad, you know how that want for a swing turned into a full on project. It was great, and I am really sad to be leaving it. Really sad.

football

2009-10-22T15:30:00.002-04:00

Adam and I love football, we even met at a flag football coaches meeting. In my opinion, the actual sport combined with the fall season make it the best time of the year. I know Andrew would have grown to love football too. I imagine him as a quarterback. If he took after me, he'd be able to throw the ball. Granted I can't throw a football that well, I used to throw a mean softball. If he took after his dad, he'd be a solid blocker and a fast runner. Adams paternal grandparents were both Olympic athletes, one for sprinting and the other for hurdles. Adam's maternal uncle was recruited to play for the Jets. Adam has solid athletic skills all around. I know Andrew would too.

Anyway, all of these thoughts came about when I saw the "football" line at Gymboree on sale. If Andrew were here, I would be dressing him in some of these clothes. I guess that's how my mind works these days.

packing

2009-10-22T10:13:00.000-04:00

This weekend we have to pack up Andrew's room. I don't want to. I don't want to put his stuff in a box knowing that it never needs to come back out of that box again. I'm sure I'll unpack his stuff at our new place, but I know it will just be to make me feel better, not because it needs to be unpacked.

Oh yeah, and we need to pack up the rest of our house too. Movers are coming on Monday.

something good

2009-10-21T14:32:00.001-04:00

It’s interesting for me to read other mothers blogs about the need to become a better person. I’ve been feeling this need since I was in the hospital holding Andrew. I feel like I need to change, something good must come out of this. Something, anything.

I continue to go through a period of personal reflection. I am still changing and wonder where I will end up. Will I be more religious or less? More angry or less? More compassionate or less? Of course I hope for all changes for the better, put it’s like pushing against a brick wall. It’s hard. I am still trying to figure out who I am becoming. I want to do everything I can to become a better person in honor of my son.

moving?

2009-10-20T20:38:00.000-04:00

We think we're moving this weekend but we're not even sure yet! MOVING. We haven't bought a new place yet so we're heading to the parents house...again. It's amazing how Andrew has put things in perspective. It's easy to say that something like this will change you, but to actually feel it is amazing. Yes, it's stressful, but it's different. All I care about is that Adam, Katelyn and I are under the same roof. It might not be our roof, but we'll be together.

katelyn and patrick

2009-10-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures taken on Sunday of Katelyn with her little cousin Patrick. Patrick was born 3 weeks after Andrew. Katelyn is still confused. When I ask her who Andrew is, she continues to answer "Andrew is Patrick".

They remind me of pictures of me holding Mike (Patricks dad) when we were little. I'm sure you can imagine what else I think about when I see these pictures.

can't do anything

2009-10-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

An old friend lost her baby boy last week. He was full term and lived for about 24 hours. The pain I feel for her is so strong and so real...it pulls at an emotion I never knew I had. It breaks my heart knowing that someone else is going through this level of pain, anger, confusion, shock, and pure sadness. And I know that there isn't anything anyone can do. Because nobody can give her her baby boy back.

in the dark

2009-10-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

I visited Andrew the other night. I was alone. It was dark out, breezy, and very fall like. The kind of night where I have memories as a young kid playing outside with the neighbors. I had a great childhood. I grew up on a small court with lots of kids and we'd spend so many nights outside running around playing "ghost in the graveyard" (ironic, huh?)! I grew up about a mile down the road from St. Marks.

I couldn't help but think "when the heck did I grow up?" Of all the memories I have in Vienna and at St Marks, to think that there I was, alone in the dark, visiting my son. It was pretty wierd.

I love this picture, it looks like I didn't have a stress in the world!

our candle

2009-10-15T22:19:00.000-04:00

This evening we lit our candle.

Katelyn thought we were having a birthday party and wanted to blow the candle out.

We read some books about death and heaven.

This one is my favorite.

Adam and I had an interesting conversation about heaven.

...then we watched The Office.

work in progress

2009-10-15T14:34:00.001-04:00

I posted a few pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I love them all. What do you think? I am also working to make this blog and little less depressing to look at. The post are depressing enough. It's all a work in progress...the look, the posts, and me.

this little light of mine

2009-10-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for all pregnancies and infant death which includes but not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. It is recognized in the United States and throughout Canada on October 15th of each year.

Participants begin lighting their candles at 7:00 pm and burn their candle for a period of at least one hour. The Result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who pass away during pregnancy and shortly after birth.

I'm at work right now, so a new post will be coming later today...I am planning on posting more pictures.

thanks for the reminder beechnut

2009-10-14T09:40:00.000-04:00

I'm learning that there are a lot of things that I never thought about until after having a stillborn. The first one was that a mothers milk still comes in. Might be TMI for some of you readers, but now you know. Another reality, all those e-mails you get from beechnut, pampers, huggies, etc, etc. I must have put my information into some website, probably to check my due date when I first found out I was pregnant. Now, my information seems to be in all of the baby e-mail databases. I get frequent reminders of how old Andrew should be and what products I should be buying for him.

"Your baby is now 11 weeks old" Thanks for the reminder beechnut!

who's room?

2009-10-13T21:18:00.000-04:00

Katelyn and I stopped to look at a house today. You know, since we'll be without a home in a couple of weeks. We walked into a boys room and Katelyn said "baby cousins room!" I said "you mean a brothers room?" I then asked her again, "Katelyn, who's Andrew?" Her response, "Andrew is baby cousin Patrick". I just gave her a kiss.

new background?

2009-10-13T21:10:00.000-04:00

Man, this blog is depressing! I need some color. Does anyone know where I can get a better background - one a little more cheery? I'll find one in the next few days...when I have more time to play around with it. Stay tuned. Cheery background coming soon.

a working link

2009-10-13T15:21:00.000-04:00

Here's another link to the song - one that I don't think you need a password for. It has an intro by his daughter.
http://www.rhapsody.com/steven-curtis-chapman/speechless/with-hope/lyrics.html

with hope

2009-10-13T11:19:00.000-04:00

"With Hope" by Steven Curtis Chapman. Seriously, it's beautiful.

http://www.imeem.com/luvmytruck460/music/mCg59osF/steven-curtis-chapman-with-hope/

With Hope

This is not at all how

We thought it was supposed to be

We had so many plans for you

We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can take away the pain

The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no

And we can grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace)

There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known

Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more

The wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears

I see the Father's smile and say well done

And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be

Seeing all your dreams come true

'Cause now you're home

And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor

'Cause we believe that everything

God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope

And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

debbie downer

2009-10-13T10:31:00.000-04:00

I've been joking with my sister, Maureen, lately that I should be called Debbie Downer. If you remember this skit from Saturday Night Live, you'd understand. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but to be honest, I'm kindof a 'glass half empty' kind of person right now. Hopefully that will change. Again, I think it is, just at a really slow pace. I'm going to post a song in a bit...

the quote

2009-10-12T20:12:00.000-04:00

Today I had a moving company over for a quote. My house was a total mess. I blamed it on getting ready to move and sorting through stuff. That's totally not true. It's a disaster in here, and would be if I were packing or not. While in Katelyn's room, I said I have a 2 1/2 year old (who was at Aunt MK's house at the time) who likes to throw her clothes everywhere...that's why they were all out all over her room rather than in her drawers. We then walked into Andrews room. He said "oh, you have a son"? I said yes and moved on.

Here's proof that Katelyn likes to make a mess...

Here's proof that Katelyn likes to do her own hair...

moving

2009-10-11T20:57:00.000-04:00

We're getting ready to move...in 2 weeks. It's a long story. We started this moving adventure in June, right before Andrew passed away. We focused on selling our place. Now we've sold it, lost out on five contracts and are getting ready to throw our stuff in storage and head to the parents house while we continue to house hunt. The other day I texted my husband the simple statement "I need xanax".

We started packing today and I feel so anxious about having to pack up Andrews room. We keep his door closed, but every night when I go to bed I check on Katelyn and then look in Andrews room. Sometimes I sit in the rocker in his room holding his teddy bear and think about what should be. I feel like when we move I'll be loosing that special place in our house that is just for him. I don't want to have to pack up his stuff, I'm not ready. I wonder if it would be wierd to unpack it at our new place...where and whenever that may be.

the story - part 1

2009-10-10T21:38:00.000-04:00

I know on these blogs many people write thier stories. What happened and when. It's something I've actually been writing in a word document...it goes back to my fear of forgetting any details.

I've gotten a few e-mails asking what happened to Andrew so I wanted to share briefly what happened. As I've mentioned a few times, I found comfort in reading others stories, but in particular stories like mine. I wanted to learn about how others dealth with the same news I got.

Andrew died of Group B Strep Sepsis. I wanted to know what happened, but no news comes without a mix of emotions. The most difficult part of this news was knowing that Andrew was healthy. He was healthy, growing at pace, and very active. I remember sitting at work one day, pregnant, and shooting Adam an e-mail asking if it was too early to say that our son is hyper active. The Dr's estimate is that Andrew got GBS about 7 days earlier, but once it turned into sepsis, he faded off within 24 hours.

I'm no expert on Group B Strep, but it's pretty safe to say that I've read more about GBS than the average person (my husband would beg me to stop reading about it). So, if you have any questions, shoot me an e-mail. msm2jmu@yahoo.com

holy moly!

2009-10-10T11:30:00.001-04:00

What is with this blog world? I started reading blogs after Andrew, when I would do anything to connect with mothers who understood. I started following a few, especially ones who lost thier babies right around when I did. As I've started clicking from link to link, I am amazed at this world known as blogging. It's unreal! Some of them even talk about thier IRL friends not knowing about thier blog. It took me some time, but realized that IRL mean "in real life". This is quite an adventure...and a great way to procrastinate. Seriously, I need to go get some other stuff done...

Here's a picture taken almost exactly a year ago. This is Katelyn wandering down Adams parents driveway in Vermont.

as much as i do?

2009-10-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

I got home last night and read this message that my oldest sister, Ann, wrote on my facebook wall. "Ryan walked into my room scratching his head and said 'Mommy, I have a really important question. Do you think Katelyn misses Andrew as much as I do?'"

Ryan, 4 years old, is one of Andrews 10 cousins. Ryan is the same one who, after finding out about Andrew, walked into my sisters room with a calender and asked if she could tell him when everyone will die so he'll know. I'm always curious what they think of this experience, and how it might or might not affect them when they're older...and how this might affect Katelyn. I just don't know. If any of you out there have older children, or are a sibling, and experience on what their thoughts might be down the road, can you please let me know?

details

2009-10-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

Why do I feel like I need to remember every detail about the days I had with Andrew? I suppose it's because that's all I have. I asked Adam recently if he remembered how everything was laid out in Andrews’s niche. We were visiting Andrew’s special place, I was imagining what was on the inside, and all of a sudden drew a blank on what was in one of the corners. I started to feel a sense of panic. Adam told me that he does remember, but it’s getting less clear. I went home that night and drew it out, with my awesome drawing skills of course. I have pictures of everything we included in the niche and now, I have my drawing of how it's all laid out too. I’ve read many other blogs and realize that this need to remember every detail seems normal. Normal or not, I fear forgetting anything about Andrew.

Here are a few things we put in the niche with Andrew. Katelyn picked the bear out months ago for her baby brother (It's a smaller version of a bear that my mom had gotten for him). Adam chose a football for various reasons. We also included some pictures and notes that Adam and I wrote to Andrew.

This picture was taken of Katelyn the same time I took the picture of Andrews’s gifts...I wanted to remember how young and innocent she was. I love it when she puts her shoes on the wrong feet. It's one of my favorite things about childhood.

it's just different

2009-10-08T15:29:00.001-04:00

Delivering a stillborn child is something that many people do not understand. I’ve been asked many times if it would be harder to loose him if I had gotten to spend a few days, months, or years with him.

My answer is always that you can’t compare. It hurts in a very different way. I miss what I never got to know. His eyes, his smile, his laugh, his personality. I am left to constantly wonder and wish. I never got to rock him to sleep, take him for a walk in the sun, tickle him and hear his laugh. If I had a choice, I would want to have a few hours, days, or months with him. But I didn’t. So to answer the question, I don’t think you can compare. All I can answer is what I know. And I know that this hurts. I really miss my little guy.

strong?

2009-10-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

People keep telling me how strong I am. I tell them "I don't have a choice". If I could lay on the couch all day, I would. Two things that keep a smile on my face are these two smiles.

today

2009-10-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

I haven't been to St Marks to visit Andrews special place in a week now. It's hard, it's all I can think about right now. Visiting just makes me feel better. Maybe one of these days I'll actually stop in the Church instead of walking right through. An experience like this will certainly put your faith to the test. I think I'm heading in the right direction, just at a really slow pace.

thank you mom

2009-10-07T17:37:00.003-04:00

Here's a poem my mom wrote right after Andrew passed. She signed it from us, from I know she is the one who wrote it and I thank her for that (other than the first 4 lines which she readily admits she 'borrowed' from another poem).

Andrew

An angel wrote in the book of life

Andrew's date of birth

Then she whispered as she closed the book

"Too beautiful for earth"

We weren't prepared to say goodbye

Before we said hello

We couldn't accept not holding you

Before you had to go

We wanted to cuddle you, stroke your cheek

and watch you play

We could never imagine that you

wouldn't get to stay

So remember Andrew, we love you

and that's a special love

we hold you close beside us

feeling your sweetness from above

We will love you forever,

Mommy, Daddy, and Katelyn

i hope you're happy in heaven

2009-10-07T10:25:00.000-04:00

Today is my sister Mary K's birthday. I wish I could write about how important my family has been in my healing process, but there aren't really words. Maybe I'll try someday. For Mary K's birthday, I want to show her something to be proud of. This is a drawing from my niece Kylee. If you know Kylee, I'm sure this comes as no surprise. She drew this on her own one day at my house. We hadn't been talking about Andrew or anything. She just went upstairs and came back down a bit later and gave this to me. You can imagine how special that was to me.

"I hope you're happy in Heaven Andrew"

3 months

2009-10-06T20:36:00.000-04:00

One thing I always wonder about is what Andrew would look like. I'm a very visual person and everytime I see a little boy, I wonder what Andrew would look like at that age. Here's a picture of Katelyn at 3 months. I wonder if he would look anything like her?

While looking for that picture, I also found this one of my father-in-law wearing a mullet wig. It made me laugh.

confused

2009-10-06T15:44:00.002-04:00

Katelyn is confused. Three weeks after I delivered Andrew her baby cousin, Patrick, was born. I brought her to Fairfax hospital to meet Mike and Emily’s new addition, at which point Katelyn asked me, “my baby brother?” I had to stand there and tell her “no Katelyn, Patrick is your cousin; your baby brother is in heaven.” What does heaven mean to a 2 year old? Who knows!! All I know is she is confused. I ask her all the time who Andrew is and I never get the answer I want. Maybe that’s because I don’t know what I want to hear. Maybe, “Andrew is my little brother who is here, alive and well, and this is all one nasty joke mommy.” Well, she’s doesn’t say that. What she says now is “Andrew is Patrick”. When she looks at the pictures of Andrew (which I actually try to keep out of her reach but somehow she gets too and looks through) she tells me that they are of Patrick.

I wish I was as confused as her. It must be better than knowing what’s really going on.

sea shells

2009-10-05T21:36:00.000-04:00

Katelyn and I went to the beach a few times over the summer. My parents have a house at Bethany Beach, DE, and we would go there during the week while Adam worked. Each time we were there I became obsessed with collecting sea shells for Andrews special place. I suppose it was one way for me have Andrew at the beach with me. When we'd go to collect shells, that was me spending time with both of my children. I now carry a bag of shells in my car.

Each visit with Andrew we spend time going through the bag and carefully decide which ones we will leave. Katelyn then carefully goes through the ones that are already there and she picks one or two to take back home with her. I like to think that my kids would share this nicely if Andrew were here. My guess is probably not.

again

2009-10-05T18:46:00.002-04:00

It happened today again. It comes in different versions, usually when I'm in the dumps already. "How many kids do you have?" Today it came as "Is she your only one?"

I was at the park watching Katelyn play with a little boy about 12 months old...in the wobble as he walks stage. I love and hate watching her play with little boys. I know she would / will be a great big sister. She needs a sibling around, that's for sure. So, as I was feeling sorry for myself and for Katelyn the mother asks "is she your only one?" As much as I didn't feel like chatting at that moment in time, I can never not mention Andrew. To say I only have one child is to answer as if Andrew never existed. I simple can't do that. So I told her. I'm sure I ruined the 'chatting with a stranger in the park mood', but it helped my mood.

It made me feel better to know that one more person knows about my son.

My hopes with this Blog…

2009-10-03T22:23:00.001-04:00

When I lost my son Andrew on July 2, 2009, I was thrown into a world of emotions very few people in my life could understand. It was, and still is, a horrible experience. Since then I have found great comfort in reading others e-mails, blogs, and books about this same experience. It gives me hope to see where others are in the healing process, and brings me comfort to know that I am not alone. I have several hopes with this blog. I hope it will bring comfort to others going through this same experience, give their family and friends some insight, and bring me some comfort too.

I’m starting this blog 3 months after loosing Andrew. I’m sure in my healing process I’ll revisit some of what happened during those first 3 months when the emotions were so fresh. As I get on my feet again, I want to do all I can to keep Andrew a part of our lives. I think about him all of the time…he is a huge part of who I am today.

I miss my son. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.